(This is in response to a writing challenge from the Writing Essential Group to ‘Write a set of step-by-step instructions detailing how to do something (prose or poetry). It is also a reminder that I need to shave.)
***
- After getting dressed in a pair of shorts for the first time after winter, go outside in good lighting and determine what grade of razor you require to level the growth attained:
a. Just peachy fuzz – Single-edge ladies razor (available only in pink)
b. Low nap carpeting – Double-edge safety razor
c. Impending jungle – Norelco ‘Weed Wacker’ Shaver*
d. Sasquatch-esque – Save your blade, use a DOW-approved chemical depilatory cream. Have burn unit on speed dial.
- March back into home, select hair-assault tool of choice and grab the manly shaving cream you use because, dammit, why do they charge women more for half as much product?
- Strip down to a layer of clothing comfortable with doing gymnastics in a porcelain tub. Keep in mind that if you have a terrible accident, your bra and panties should match, because that’s important when the ambulance comes to pick you up.
- Determine, in advance, the line you won’t cross and, using a permanent marker, draw the stopping point of the razor. If you have committed to full limb nude-ification, then clear your calendar and set your razor for stun.
- Before you proceed, ask yourself this question: “Do I really want to do this? Am I willing to do this every week this summer and suffer the burning, itching annoyance as the tiny army of hairs returns?” If the answer is “No”, put down the mini scythe and walk away. Be hairy, be proud.
- Turn on shower to a medium warm setting and get your extremities moist. NEVER dry shave.** Take my word for it.
- Once your legs have been zoned for construction and pre-moistened for your convenience, squirt an excessive amount of shaving cream into your palm. (It is impossible to squirt just the right amount and squirting too little is annoying and leads to dry spots on the back of your ankle. (See: Step 6 above.) Slather cream up and down in thick blankets. Then you get to pretend your razor is a mountain skier in the Alps. Feel free to yodel.
- Contorting yourself in painful mimicry of a blade-wielding Cirque Du Soleil performer, extend your implement as far as it will reach and commence hacking. Immediately nip a section of flesh just over your ankle bone right where the strap of your sandal will rub it as you walk. Swear in several languages and watch pink, foamy swirls circle the drain. Proceed with greater caution but, as you move ever upward, forget that you have to run the blade sideways when you hit the knee cap—for god-only-knows-what reason—and chop a successive slice across each furrow of skin. Bleed profusely. Swear even more so.
- After you manage to finish one leg (meh, good enough) tackle second leg. Never, ever allow a phone call, a whiny child, or a house fire prevent you from finishing—no one likes a lopsided fashion statement. Shaving the same leg twice doesn’t count either.
- Now that your razor is nice and dull from hacking through the forbidding forests, you are faced with the unenviable prospect of shaving your pits. May god have mercy on your soul.
Asterisk Bedazzled Footnote:
*Watch out for blowback.
**Dry shaving is on the list of acceptable torture methods used by the CIA—right alongside waterboarding and cranking up death metal music beyond ear-bleeding levels.
TheDustSeason 
This was really funny, thanks for the smiles. There are SO many points that are familiar… I’ll pick only a few to remark upon.
For instance, yes, the shaving cream dispenser. Gel or foam, forget trying to get a “just right” amount of product. I thought it was me not focused enough. Nope, expectations are too high, is all.
I, too, have on occasion given consideration to the fact that no one is around to hear me holler should I become stuck in some preposterous contortion – I have a wonky hip joint and it means extra special acts of strength and balance. And we all know the hazards of soapy,wet porcelain surfaces, sans tub mat, don’t we?
Finally, before I sign off, please do advise: just how many seasons can one reasonably expect from a blade? Two, three? More?
El Cheapo
LikeLike
The life of one’s razor has a direct corollary to how hairy you are. I use my blades until it doesn’t get the hair in one swipe. I think it lasts about three weeks–shaving once a week. I don’t shave every day like some people. I just prepare for those rare days when it is warm enough to wear shorts.
LikeLike
Guess I’ll be following you. It’s hard to get a laugh out of me and this had me cleaning the floor with my body.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pam, all sort of images popped into mind when you said that. I much prefer the imagery to any use of the phrase ‘laugh out loud’ or ‘rolling on the floor laughing’. If your floors end up cleaner in the process, so much the better. Thanks for joining our select company.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Considering the condition of my floors, I probably now need a bath.
LikeLike
“Be hairy, be proud.” I agree with you. I’ve never understood why women should have to shave. Fun post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, there is the issue of nylons ending up looking like woolen hosiery. But, it appears that the days of nylon usage are numbered. Hairy is the new black.
LikeLike
Step 3 threw me off a bit. I can’t picture drawing lines all over my body. Well, I can, but not in conjunction with shaving.
Then, of course, you need a step 10: Return husband’s/boyfriend’s razor and hope he doesn’t notice you used it!
LikeLike
Ahh, being a single lady, I hadn’t thought of the theft of razor aspect. Very astute of you. As for the line-by-line demarcation, I couldn’t find an appropriate picture of a leg segmented the way one would see sides of beef marked by type of cut. I was both saddened and relieved that such a photo did not exist. Finding it would have been disturbing.
LikeLike
Excuse me, Len, but haven’t you had lines drawn all over your arms?
LikeLiked by 1 person
so funny )
LikeLike
Yep…funny…right up until I receive the injunction notice to cease and desist. (Thank you Law & Order for the repurposing of this legal gobbled-gook.)
LikeLike
What does it mean that you have ‘linked to my post’? I haven’t a clue about the finer points of blogging. Teach me Obi Wan.
LikeLike
Used to experience no. 8 all the time! Luckily my boys are older now so sometimes I even manage both legs above the knee.
LikeLike
I hope they appreciate your diligence. Nothing like a hairy momma to embarrass the friends.
LikeLike
A report from the advanced age of 68: Body hair (where it used to be) decreases. Yes, it may show up where it didn’t use to be, but that’s different issue. Get old enough and you find your leg hair disappearing, starting at the knees and working its way down. I now have no more leg hair than a light ruff around my ankles. I don’t shave it. If people think I’m a poodle, so be it.
LikeLiked by 1 person