When Stoves Go Bad…

Crisis DuJour, From My Brain to Yours, Highly Flammable, The Joys of Home Ownership,

It was a rough night…
The stove decided to give up the ghost
…and it tried to take me with it.

Fahrenheit 451 – Bad Hair Edition

Where there’s smoke…there is a good chance of singed hair.

I’ll never know exactly how hot the stove got, because the hand-held oven thermometer only went as high as 600 degrees and now it no longer says anything.

The stove killed it.

Stopped clocks are right twice a day, but this thing will only be correct while on asphalt in Tempe, Arizona on record-breaking days in July and August.

At the time, opening the door to the burnt chicken and charcoal fries, it felt like the stove had gone nuclear.

Before this happened, I was debating whether to get my bangs trimmed or let my hair grow to save money. The near-death experience with the stove decided it. I had to get the melted crap cut out of my hair so I’d stop smelling like a forest fire.

Admire my new cut. I call it The Flaming Pixie:

Just in time for freezing cold winter weather.

So, I’ve been hunting for the perfect replacement stove…only to discover white is no longer popular. I would even have to pay more on certain models just to get a white stove to match my existing appliances. On one model I liked, it would cost $700 more just to get it in white!!!

I tell the saleswoman, “My father would haunt me from the grave if I paid extra to get it in white!”

“Let me show you the model in slate! Maybe you’ll like slate?” She says with nary a hint of desperation at my weird requirements.

I loathe stainless steel with a passion most people reserve for politicians or maybe boy bands. I only hate kale more.

It took me a minute to get this one…let’s see how long it takes you to spot “Charcoal Kitty.”

Not to mention I have some weird preferences when it comes to a stove. With an autistic child I’m not looking for what the average consumer needs.

“No, I don’t care if it is self-cleaning, but it needs to have a lock as well as buttons that can’t be yanked off. Oh, and no rubber seal on the inside of the stove. My kid likes to chew on rubber tubing.”

And last of all, I need a new fan/vent hood installed to prevent future incidents of smoke inhalation and open-window hysteria from happening. This has me debating the merits of getting a new hood installed versus putting an over-the-stove microwave in place–one my son can’t as easily sneak into the basement and set for 99 minutes with nothing inside it.

But I will pay whatever it costs so I don’t have to hear my son’s heartbreaking cries when I have to leave the windows open to air out the house again…in winter.

As crises go, this one is bearable. No one got badly injured and, while I had to drug the kid insensate to recover from the trauma Sunday, he bounced back the next morning like nothing had happened.

What I dread most is making an adult decision. I went, I saw, and I failed to find the perfect stove on my first two tries. I have yet to decide between a hood or a more-complicated microwave installation. So I’m doing what I do best–avoiding the issues. (I could be a politician–but I’ll never be kale. That’s some consolation.)

Doleful and discouraged, I’m looking at other people’s stove disasters online. I ‘borrowed’ a few pictures for this post.

(Memes are my solace in a lonely world.)

I’ve been laughing like a loon at things I found at BoredPanda. Enjoy.

31 thoughts on “When Stoves Go Bad…”

  1. Love the haircut, even if I can’t love the reason you got it! Can only imagine the nightmare you endured. Having had to replace a ‘fridge recently – I was afraid of poisoning myself because the old one couldn’t keep anything cold enough – I feel your pain. Good luck, and I vote for a micro over the stove (save space on the counter).

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    1. Micro has been purchased, I am now waiting on the guy who has yet to give me a quote for the cost of the work. I suspect this is a bad sign, but what can you do? I know he does excellent work. Also, he is willing to rebuild the cupboard where it is going in. Not everyone wants to do these small, but intricate, difficult jobs. Fingers crossed it goes in this week.

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    1. Totally. I’ve seen the meme about the pressure cooker lid in the ceiling before, but every time, I start laughing and laughing. And yet, you know the people it happened to had a horrible day. That’s the thing, with distance, time, and it happening to other people, some shit is just funny.

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  3. Ok, first, I think these things happen to you because you are so dang funny when you tell about them that, subconsciously, all the people who love you and would normally be praying for terrible things not to happen to you, are in fact – I repeat, subconsciously – praying for more.

    Second, you do NOT buy appliances a week before Black Friday. Hand in there, girl, and grab the sales!

    Third, the flaming pixie really suits you! And that hairstyle is great for winter. Silk scarves and cute hats, lady! You’ll look delectable!

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    1. I’m afraid I succumbed to peer pressure and bought a stove. That, and you go a week without a stove and you discover exactly how much you use one! I will hope that the next time an appliance goes, I’m less panicked about the decision making process, but that just seems to be the way I’m wired.

      Thanks for the compliments. Everyone has liked the style but me. But, I do like a nice scarf or hat, so I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a particularly fetching one and show it off to you later!

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      1. I, meanwhile, am learning how much I use my microwave … or how much I would LIKE to use my microwave if the damn thing were working. The problem with being married to an engineer, and broke, is … often when things die on you, the engineer can fix them. “Can”, however, does not necessarily equate to “does”. I’ve had a heavy toolbox on my rocking chair and a gap where the microwave belongs for weeks now. And all I have to say about that is, the best part of Thanksgiving is SUPPOSED to be the leftovers … and cold leftovers suck!

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      2. I feel your pain, sort of. I am still waiting for the person I’ve ‘hired’ to install the microwave. It’s still in a box, in the garage, waiting for the guy’s back to recover. I at least have a small counter model for reheating.

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    1. Looking at how bad it could have been–can you imagine if someone had been looking in on the pressure cooker?–I was somewhat relieved this was all that happened. The burnt french fries were the real tragedy for my son.

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    1. It did feel a bit like a betrayal. For years they sucker you with the cheap prices so that your whole kitchen is white and then, BAM, when things start to die, you face a huge financial quandary. But at least everyone seems to like the new haircut. I just wish my ears weren’t so cold!

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  6. Holy craptastophe, Batman! Yes, wait for the Black Friday sales. Shop online. Ask other moms with autistic children for recommendations. Can you do a hood over the stove and build in the microwave under a cabinet? I like the Pixie Do, too. I’m with Belladonna Took: Scarves and hats for winter fashion! ❤ SO glad nobody was charcoaled!

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    1. It’s just hair, it grows back. But thanks for the sympathies. Now that I’m shorn atop and shaved up the back of my neck, every cold breeze makes me stand a little straighter. My ears feel particularly naked and vulnerable. I may have to invest in many, stylish hats to compensate.

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      2. There is that. Thank you. Sadly, all my hats were purchased back when I had lots of hair. They are all loose now. I didn’t know that could happen! I need bonnet strings to keep them from falling off.

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  8. Your do is cute, despite the cause. 😦
    You poor thing.
    Okay, there are hella white stoves available for me. Plenty in the $400-700 range. I don’t have many requirements at all tho. I share your aversion to SS. It’s a home kitchen. I am a traditionalist. And lady, I am famous for asking, “Does it come in white?”

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    1. The stoves in the lower ranges (ha hahaha) don’t come with bottom drawers. They may be flimsy pieces of crap, but I refuse to give up a drawer where I can store stuff. I have a very small kitchen with no closet or large storage area. I drool when I watch how-to cooking shows with their egregious amounts of counter space and walk-in pantries.

      As for stainless steel–it reminds me of autopsy tables from Law & Order and N.C.I.S. I just can’t imaging cooking on it as a result.

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      1. Excellent pun! 😀 I’m still seeing white with drawers. I feel you are in a bad stove-shopping locale. :/ I keep my giant and omelet skillet in my drawer, even though I have a pretty big kitchen with two closets. This is the best kitchen I’ve ever had and probably accounts for why we live here.

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      2. A kitchen to envy is a thing of joy. You should include pictures of it in your seasonal/holiday card this year. Perhaps send me one so I can cry with both joy and despair at the loveliness.

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    1. The cat was a stolen meme. No cats were harmed in the writing of this blog post. Sensibilities may have been ruffled for misleading people with scary pictures, but no actual offense greater than social media theft was committed.

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    1. I have to wonder how my words translate in into Swedish? I’m actually part Swedish, but I don’t think that will help Google translate with any of my made-up words! Just let me know if anything is hard to read and I’ll do my best to use better English! Though, from people I’ve met overseas, your English is probably better than mine despite it being my native language! 🙂

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      1. No problem with your words kirizar. I often wonder if other people understand me when I´m writing, but I practice English all the time at the blog. Google Translate is a great help, but not to trust on 100 percent: D

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