Today I had an experience that summed up 2023 for me…it involved my son and the quest for an imaginary balloon. Please accept this story in lieu of a holiday letter that I haven’t written or sent yet. 

________________________________________________________________

My son wanted this for Christmas:

EXHIBIT A:

For a long time, it was unavailable on the Walmart.com website. Then, finally, I saw there was a link to order said balloon–about two weeks before Christmas. I gladly paid over $11.00 for the dumb thing and, when the package arrived, I stored it in the closet where all things are locked safely away from my kid. (It’s like the Room of Requirements at Hogwarts, only much smaller and I have to stock it.)

The Day before Christmas came along (which to most people means December 24th but because I suffer from a failure to look at a calendar turned out to be December 23rd this year, sigh) and I opened the delivery package to discover I had been sent this balloon instead:

EXHIBIT B:

It’s still a Poppy Trolls Themed Balloon, so no big problem, right?

!!WRONG!!

He wants the round one. He is autistic. He just wants the head of the troll doll, not the entire inflatable corpse! These things matter, people!

So, I immediately went to the email confirming receipt of my product to file an angry, pre-Christmas rant about how the evil Walmart goons had ruined my child’s Christmas. (It hadn’t, but it did panic me about what I was going to give him despite having all the other things he wanted. Mostly.)

I held onto the wrong balloon and waited for the reply. The Walmart-affiliated distributor apologized and gave us a full refund within 24-hours. They even said we could keep the balloon. Alexei was perfectly happy when he got it on the actual Christmas Day celebration on the 25th–which was only one of two presents he got that day because of my calendar-math related issue mentioned earlier.

Fast forward to today: Alexei got a Walmart gift card from Grandma Mary for Christmas. He has been a good boy and he’s been asking for an “Emoji Balloon” repeatedly the last couple of days. He’d seen the picture on the Walmart website. [I bet you are sensing what happens next.]

EXHIBIT C:

I decided it was an easy way to make him happy. We drive to the store and…no such balloon exists. They are selling Valentine’s balloons not to mention a Valentine Spaghetti Sauce and Noodle basket–when did that become a romantic gesture?–and it’s still only December!! What the actual H*LL?

The kid buys a stuffed Paw Patrol toy that he immediately wants when he sees it–despite having various versions of the same toy already–because it is dressed in the costume from the most-recent Paw Patrol Mighty Pups’ movie merchandise.

[Sidebar: we watched Mighty Pups last night. My absolute favorite line in the movie comes from a television reporter who is commenting on the franchise toys marketing the upgraded uniforms for the super-powered Paw Patrol team: “To all the parents out there, I’m sorry.” ]

Most parents would give up at this point. Not me. [Insert cackle of madness here.] We drive to our local Party City store.

There is an entire wall of balloons available, but, alas, no Emoji Balloon. There is also a line of customers getting balloons. Apparently people want to celebrate the New Year in style?

I get the clerk’s attention as she fills and ties balloons.

Me: “Hey, do you have any emoji balloons?”

Clerk #1: “No. I’m sorry. You know, a lot of people ask for them. We really should carry them! I’m sorry we don’t have them.”

I look up at the hundreds of options of mylar balloons overhead and try to convince the kid to pick something else.

Me: [encouraging flexibility] “Hey, would you like a Trolls balloon instead?”

Kid: [inflexibly]”Emoji balloon.”

The clerk is listening and when asked, pulls out a trolls balloon.

Clerk #1: “We have this one!”

If you can believe it, it’s the same darned balloon I tried to order for Christmas!! [See Exhibit A above.]

Me: “Hooray! We’ll take it!”

This will make the kid happy! The clerk blows it up–even asking what color string she should tie it with. She hands it to me. I hand it to the kid. He responds:

Kid: “Emoji balloon.”

He’s nothing if not consistent.

Clerk #1: “We have yellow balloons if you want one of those!?”

This one is trained very well, I can tell.

I sigh and tell her yes. As she finishes tying it off she makes a brilliant offer:

Clerk #1: “You know, I have a marker. I could draw a smiley face on it, if you like?”

Me: “OMG–yes! Thank you. You are a genius!”

When we are checking out. I mention to the cashier how nice the young lady who helped us was.

Me: “Is there anyway I can tell someone what a good job she’s doing?”

The young lady points to a QR Code that says:

“Highly Satisfied today? Scan below to give us your feedback for $5 off on your purchase.”

I take a picture of it, saying,

Me: “I’ll do my best, but I have a hard time filling these things out.”

Clerk #2: “Oh, I can help you with that.”

Within less than the time it takes to blow up and tie two balloons, she walks me through the process. I even ask for her name and add it to the customer satisfaction survey.

Clerk #2: “There you go. Now you can use the discount!”

She finishes ringing me up and wishes us a Happy New Year. I sincerely hope that Mariana and Delaney at Store 431 get a Happy New Year bonus for their exceptional help.

Because, as it turns out, 2023 wasn’t finished with us yet.

EXHIBIT D:

When we got home, I stopped to take a picture of my giggling, happy child before opening the door to let him in. Then, I turned, remembering I’d seen there was mail in the box as I was driving up. I let go of the door too soon…and I hear the worst sound:

!!POP!!

One of the balloons did not make it into the house. It got killed on the doorstep. Sigh.

Fortunately, my son enjoys deflating balloons, so he wasn’t as broken up about it as I was.

So if all 2023 does is to deflate your joy by half, I guess, that’s about as good as it gets!