Category Archives: From My Brain to Yours

Attention Whore Seeks Audience…

Whenever we hold up the critical mirror of consciousness to do a self-check, I sometimes wish it came with a warning sticker to the effect: “The idiot in mirror might be a larger ass than they appear.

The following post is a painful acknowledgment that I am not funny as I think I am, and maybe I should seek professional help. As painful as the following confession is to read, I promise you, it was a thousand times harder to write and admit to.

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Continue reading Attention Whore Seeks Audience…

Aunt Peg’s Layered Jello Salad…maybe

Long before such Food Network shows like Cutthroat Kitchen and Chopped introduced questionable cuisine–there were traditional homemade dishes with mystery ingredients that only got passed down in the family to the daughters who hoarded the recipes on 3 x 5 cards tucked away in a tin recipe box. Classics such as hotdog surprise or macaroni salad were hauled out for holiday parties–sometimes against the will of attending family members–and no holiday would be complete without these culinary treats at the table. I am about to share with you one such recipe.

Be warned, this one may become your very own secret surprise side dish delight!

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Continue reading Aunt Peg’s Layered Jello Salad…maybe

PLENTY O’ GISH…

WELCOME TO THE NEWEST ONLINE DATING SITE–FOR SOLO CUPS EVERYWHERE!THERE’S NO NEED TO BE SHY ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT SOLO CUP ANY MORE.

IF YOU LIKE YOUR MEN SUAVE AND SOPHISTICATED, HAVE WE GOT THE CUP FOR YOU!

YOU’RE A MATCH!

EAT YOUR HEART OUT ALL YOU SOLO LADIES!

BARRY MANSOLO

HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO STRIKE THE RIGHT NOTE FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN!

HE’S IN YOUR STAR CHARTS, LADIES! LOOK FOR HIM UNDER THE SIGN OF CUPRICORN!

“People say you can see right through me, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts. “

“PLEASE, NO DIXIE CHICKS! I WANT A REAL GREAT GAL TO GO SOLO WITH ME!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

POLLY STYRENE NEEDS A MAN WHO WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A FULL CUP!

POLLY IS PURPLE IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES!

SHE’S A REAL PARTY GIRL.

NOT INTERESTED IN DATING ‘PLASTIC’ MEN.

BUT SHE MELTS JUST RIGHT WHEN YOU HOLD HER TIGHT!

NO PHTHALATES, PLEASE!

BPA – OKAY

“COME RECYCLE WITH ME, THE BEST IS YET TO BE!”

RECYCLING SIGN: ” PET – 6″

SEEKS SAME!

LET’S GET RECYCLED TOGETHER!

#GISH ITEM #4 – DATING PROFILE FOR RED SOLO CUP!

To Max in Sarasota, Florida at AT&T

Around this time every year, I go through an annual event which involves dramatics and hysterics in equal measure–negotiating my contract for a better rate on my internet and tv services. Warning, to anyone who does not know me, this story involves cursing–and not just the witch with a cauldron kind.

There’s a lot of swearing. A f*ck-ton, if you will.

Proceed with caution.

Continue reading To Max in Sarasota, Florida at AT&T

What Happens Among the Sheets…

My sheets attacked while I was sleeping. I thought we had resolved our difficulties and reached an accord. But, I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

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Continue reading What Happens Among the Sheets…

A Womb With a View

I went through a rough couple of weeks worrying about a thing that could have been big, bad, and scary but turned out to be big, banal, and mostly embarrassing–so the story ends happily ever after, kind of.

(My fairytale life turns out to be something a whole lot different than my childish self ever imagined.)

The moral of this story is short and to the point: DO NOT GOOGLE SYMPTOMS EVER!

There is some mention of disgusting female-related bodily functions in this post; therefore, the men might want to scamper out of the room like the timid little bunnies they are.

Continue reading A Womb With a View

A Boy, A Book, and the Gulf Between Them

Forgive me, this is a hard post to write and I’d like to do justice to both the joys and the sorrows in their turn. It is a post about discoveries and magical thinking–the good and the bad involved in both. This is about a book–and a boy who will probably never read it. I would separate them, but the two things are inextricably linked for me. It would be like dividing the sun from the moon.

Be warned, as it is written on ancient maps past the edge of the known world: Here be dragons!

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Continue reading A Boy, A Book, and the Gulf Between Them

IT’S ALIVE!!!!

I’ve been living an absolute nightmare. For TWO WHOLE DAYS!!!

But finally, after a weekend of anxiety-drenched trauma, I am back to tell the tale. It’s mercifully short, but not, I think, an insignificant one to any who has experienced the horror. Mary Shelley only dreamt of such nightmares as this!

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The Cannibal Diet

TRIGGER WARNING: The following people might want to avoid this particular post: those with delicate constitutions, the humor-impaired, vegans who didn’t reading the title. You might find this a tad offensive. Actually, anyone with any sense of taste whatsoever might want to give it a pass. It’s that bad. If you choose to consume my unfiltered thoughts, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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