Category Archives: Family Ties

The Grapefruits of Wrath

I had not eaten grapefruit for more than twenty years when I make a radical decision. At the end of summer, I decide to stop taking a contraindicated medication. I do not consult a medical professional.

Here is my story I’m calling: The Grapefruits of Wrath.

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I have wondered, out loud, why anyone with serious medical conditions such as Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia would ever refuse to take their oh-so-necessary drugs when it might eff up their life to do so?

Then I, yes I–the self-same person–decide, on a whim, to quit taking a mood stabilizer I am on just so I can eat mounds of the giant, sweetly-sour, forbidden fruit.

I have no defense, your honor. I am guilty. Guilty of hubris. Guilty of poor judgement. Guilty of self-indulgence and short-sightedness. Guilty of an inordinate love of big, round juicy, tangy, mouth-watering, illicit deliciousness…

Where was I? Oh right, on the brink of mild madness.

I stop taking my dose and wait long enough, I think, for it to be out of my system. Maybe. [Googles it now…after the fact.] Eh, close enough.

…24-hours later…

I buy five grapefruits and suck them down ridiculously fast. Every time I go to the store, I replenish my hoard. I buy however many I can carry. All in all, I think I buy about thirty to forty grapefruit and I ate at least one a day.

The first week brings paroxysms of mouth joy. [Grapefruit-gasms?]

I do not see much difference in my mood other than being utterly giddy while scarfing down the calamitous citrus. The medication I stopped taking is a low-level anti-anxiety drug. I typically had one pill a day. Going off of it doesn’t seem to bother me at all. Yay! I win.

Then, my mother falls in her kitchen. She does not pop right back up like a daisy from an avalanche.

Anyone else out there a Mulan fan?

My mom calls to tell me that she’s in pain. She can’t drive. Shoot, she can’t really walk that well. Guess who is the only child who lives near her?

I agree to help her whenever she needs–my only caveat is it must be a time when I am able to. (Not during bus pick up or drop off. Not during my Tuesday and Wednesday writing session at the library.)

Our first disagreement revolves around her haircut appointment set at the time my son gets off the bus. We disagree on the importance of this outing. I try to calmly express why this isn’t an emergency to me!

“Mom, I’ve already taken you to an appointment this week, grocery shopping with my son, and you have another doctor’s appointment Friday. Reschedule the hair appointment or find somebody else.“

She finds a neighbor who will take her.

Mom continues to walk around for a little over a week before a neighbor takes her for an Xray and it turns out she actually has a broken knee cap. Going to another doctor appointment for a second Xray, she’s knocked over by the building door. A nice man from the parking lot helps her up.

This Xray is to determine the source of her back pain; it reveals she also has a broken vertebrae. One of the important ones.

Despite my steady dosage of grapefruit, I begin to feel the strain of my new responsibilities.

I am already a guardian for my son, but after the fall, I become my mother’s keeper. In between help from a kindly neighbor, I take my mother to several other appointments, blood draws, medication pick up and her ridiculously difficult shopping list which includes her caveats for low-salt, date specific and ‘Gluten Free’ items. The latter is the hardest to find. Gluten Free must translate to store layout designers as “Easter Eggs that must be deliberately hidden for the joy of actually finding them.” Always on the top shelf.

(We won’t mention my mom’s mental health depends on a Racine Kringle pastry (only pecan, never almond) that costs almost $9.00 and which my petite mother has eaten her weight in since she fell.)

After a few weeks, we are getting on each other’s nerves. Her insistence on shopping for herself, is understandable, if a drain on my energy and time. We argue about driving routes and additional tasks that pop up with every visit and outing. There isn’t enough grapefruit in the world to counteract this level of stress.

As it turns out, not taking the anti-citrus medication does bother me enough to leave the grapefruit on the shelf. Perhaps, someday in the future, when my mother and my son are no longer dependent upon my need to keep a cool head, I will once more partake of the bittersweet pleasure. Until then, I will hang onto my sanity as best I can.

And eat dragon fruit instead!

While not the tangiest of fruits, I like to pretend I will become part dragon by eating them.

Happy Deathmas

In conversation with my mother recently, the subject of what she would like for Christmas this year came up. Thus begins the weirdest new way to celebrate the season.

*****

Trigger Warning: If you have recently lost a loved one and are grieving, I am sorry for your loss. However, this post is very much not intended for you. Unless you need someone to hate. Please, grieve responsibly. Thank you.

“Hey, Mom! Would you like a gift card to Meijer or just some cold hard cash you can use anywhere?” (I’m all about the sentiment of the holiday, dontcha know.)

“Actually, I need a DNR sign for my house. In case I die, I don’t want anybody trying to resuscitate me. It happened to the neighbor and afterward, she just didn’t come back the same.”

“Uh…well what if you fall and die when you aren’t at home? Wouldn’t a bracelet or something on you be better?”

[It only occurs to me later that a tattoo across the forehead would be exceptionally noticeable.]

“I’m already wearing my fall alert monitor. But, since I don’t wear it outside the house, I suppose I could do that.”

From mom’s tone, I can tell she’s still thinking of a sign for her door–or maybe a doormat? Something that reads “Grim Reaper Welcome?”

So many options, but I found this beauty on Zazzle!

It turns out there is a wide variety of I HEART DEATH related merchandise available after Halloween at murderously slashed prices. Though some are totally worth paying an exorbitant price for.

I was tempted by this one:

SIMPLY TASTEFUL, THAT IS SO MOM! WonderPrint

Be warned, the two installments of just $22.49 each is buying you a very tiny invitation to death. The above purchase size buys you 40 cm x 60 cm. Which, in American, is about the size of a large mailer envelope.

And then, because I was curious, I looked on Amazon and lo and behold, found this doormat:

Trust Amazon to have something made to order for every occasion.

Immediately after pulling up this Amazon find, the consumer questions popped up making me laugh despite the grim implications.

While we talk, I am searching Amazon for something I can get Mom that speaks to the heart of our conversation without being utterly like buying a toe tag in anticipation.

And then I find this on Amazon:

A gift from the well-intentioned if slightly macabre at heart.

After I send a link and we have a short conversation, we agree. It’s perfect!

In finality, however you celebrate the season, remember, it might be your last. So celebrate it like you really mean it. And make sure your loved ones know you are thinking of them!

And remember, like the song says:

Stolen with much difficulty from: Coins and More!

It is somewhat alarming how many death related things popped up in my search.

Deathmas is real!

I found Deathmas cookies:

Not Just for Halloween Anymore! Credit: Semi-Sweet

And Much Beloved Christmas Stories Perverted for the Goth Child in all of us:

T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE DEATHMAS…

Amazon is all about self-affirmation of people’s right to approach death with the blackest of humor possible.

I call this find Death Granny Epiphanies:

Perhaps this subject matter is too bleak, or in poor taste, for you to find this funny. That’s okay. Maybe you will be reassured that, no matter how hard I tried to find a Death Carol, I failed to locate “Have Yourself a Merry Little Deathmas!” And perhaps that is the happiest news of the day.

Then again, I did find this video:

For which you can be eternally grateful! You’re welcome.

And, I’m sorry.

No Greater Expectations on Mother’s Day

We have a quiet Mother’s Day, my son and I. He came down with a terrible head cold on Saturday which means that, by Sunday, he is a hacking-wracked ball of phlegm and we can’t go visit grandma as planned. I call to invite her to come to our house instead–at least, to the outside of it. (She is immunocompromised–so masks and open air are her best friends.) The weather is perfect for an alfresco get together to chat and exchange Mother’s Day gifts. We agree on 1:00 pm and I hang up. Ordinarily, I’d leap into frenzied action, but it’s Mother’s Day and I make a different choice. A better one.

Anytime someone is going to come over, I usually have to engage in a massive disaster relief effort–the kind of clean up that happens after a storm has threatened to wipe a town off the map and leaves a ton of broken things to be hauled away. Only in this scenario–I am the tornado. Things are thrown down the laundry hamper. The dishes are piled into the dishwasher (or out of the dishwasher to make room for the newer, dirtier dishes.) Books are stacked as if they might, just might, get back to the library some day. Maybe.

As a rule, I make an attempt to provide plausible deniability that I am not, in fact, a borderline hoarder. Stuff gets shoved into rooms with locking doors. I am not a cleaner, so much as I am a denier of filth crimes. A hider of clutter. A shover of just-one-more-thing-into-the-junk-drawer fanaticism. Things get tidied because otherwise I fear someone might just call social services to report me for my lackadaisical housekeeping standards. Dammit.

But with the kid home sick I’ve had no help since Friday. I had a big mailing to finish for work which took priority, and the house shows it. With only a few hours until Grandma stops by, addressing the mess seems futile. Not to mention, since we are meeting out-of-doors, kind of pointless. Unless she needs to use the restroom.

With the kid coughing up germs left, right, and center–sometimes directly into your face–it seems prudent to at least try to minimize Grandma’s risk of contracting whatever plague he has. I douse the bathroom in a bleaching chemical bath and spray the faucets with antibacterial Lysol, change the towels, and call it good enough.

Outside, I drag the not-entirely-non-oxidizing-metal yard furniture in place and scrub to get last year’s bird poop off as best I can. I put the umbrella up, but I can’t drag the heavy base from the garage to keep it stable. So the furled edges flutter slightly whenever the warm air lazily passes by–nudging the ribbed canopy, fluffing it like a dancer’s skirt. I zip a circle of plastic with a felt backing around the center pole–an umbrella-friendly tablecloth with giant watermelon slices and what might be flip flops–or maybe pineapples?–scattered in glaringly bright colors across the surface. It too flaps frantically whenever the wind tugs it. It is a minor inconvenience. Sitting near the budding maple tree, shaded from the warm sun, drinking a cold beverage, it is probably as close to perfect as a day can get.

There’s only one not-so-small problem. What to do with the kid? Leaving him in the house likely means returning to an even bigger disaster than I already don’t want to face. Bringing his projectile coughing near Grandma runs the risk of making this our last Mother’s Day together. Even though he can wear a mask, it isn’t entirely reliable seeing as he wears one at school and still managed to catch whatever virus he’s got.

My solution? I drag a green bag up from the basement and hastily construct an A-frame tent we used to go camping with when the boy was much much smaller than he is now. There are a few holes and stains in it and the elastic that holds the poles together is stretched out of all helpfulness–but the design is simple perfection. It is the classic triangle tent depicted in all those Beetle Bailey cartoons and the kind we actually used in basic training, though they were made of canvas and not this water-resistant, windbreaker material. (Not washing machine resistant, as I discovered, but that’s another story.) It’s taken a beating, but once all the poles are in place, it holds its shape.

Grandma arrives, carrying a portion of angel food cake baked with pineapple and topped with whipped cream. I grab cans of diet cherry coke and we chat between interruptions from my son. Apparently his participation in this celebration requires him to drag every single one of his stuffed/plush toys and blankets out of the house and into the tent. This is no small task. A parade of Frozen, Paw Patrol, and Trolls character march past stuffed into a mound with his blankets. And then, once that’s done, he asks for lined paper and a popsicle before settling down to write calendars in his mobile green kingdom on the lawn.

Presents are exchanged. My ‘son’ gives me a new set of cornflower blue Rubbermaid food storage containers and Grandma gets a gift certificate to Kay Dee’s Garden–a greenhouse where she can buy a flat of pink and white cosmos to fill the flower pots outside her home. We talk for a while, but mostly we just enjoy the understated beauty of a sunny day with no greater expectations.

This may not be the most exciting Mother’s Day ever recorded, but being outside after weeks of gloomy, wet weather, and enjoying a conversation with my mom is about as close to perfect as these things ever get.

So, to all the other mothers out there who would rather sit and relax on Mother’s Day–I salute you! And I hope that you too enjoy a day being a Good-Enough Mom that might otherwise have been wasted trying to be a Perfect One.

Attention Whore Seeks Audience…

Whenever we hold up the critical mirror of consciousness to do a self-check, I sometimes wish it came with a warning sticker to the effect: “The idiot in mirror might be a larger ass than they appear.“

The following post is a painful acknowledgment that I am not as funny as I think I am, and maybe I should seek professional help. As painful as the following confession is to read, I promise you, it was a thousand times harder to write and admit to.

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Continue reading Attention Whore Seeks Audience… →

Dental Damns…

We are past the first hurtle. My son has survived having his wisdom teeth extracted and now has to just get through the next five days on a restricted diet of soft foods. Currently he is having ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It may have been exhausting, but at least the hardest part is over. Now to survive the days with the benefits of top-notch pain killers. (Norco is the way to go. Sadly, only the kid is receiving them.) But, I am reaping the benefits of a narcotically stunned teenager filled to the gills with bowls of Super Scoop ice cream with a chocolate sauce chaser.

The even better news is that the two family members who have been teetering on the brink of existence in separate hospitals have now recovered enough to be discharged. Huzzah! Let everyone rejoice the homecomings!

And to anyone who was hoping the title of this piece was somehow a salacious intro to a naughty confession, my apologies. I’m sorry to disappoint your prurient desires.

Happiness in a Box

I was given a quest this week to buy crayons. No problem, right? As my favorite character from The Big Bang Theory might have put it: “Easy-peasy, oh so breezy.”

This simple task turned out to be a lot more difficult than expected.

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Continue reading Happiness in a Box →

When You’ve Got that Sinking Feeling…

I think my sink had a heart attack this week. I could be wrong, but the thousands of hours of medical dramas I’ve watched suggests otherwise. You be the judge.

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Continue reading When You’ve Got that Sinking Feeling… →

Back to a Future Past…

I’ve been afraid to state an opinion.

Afraid to rock a precariously tiny boat on very troubled seas.

A friend recently suggested I “Woman up” or, in essence, to stop being a coward.

So here goes:

I am truly terrified of COVID-19. Everything I’ve read convinces me this is a plague of biblical proportions. And that’s saying something coming from an agnostic!

But even more than a highly contagious disease, I am afraid to lose friendships because of COVID-19. So afraid, that I have not asked people to wear masks when I’m in close proximity. Even though I have worn mine in my yard…while by myself…while weeding.

I desperately cling to friendships, even when the cling-ee isn’t that keen on tolerating the stranglehold I have on them. I have lost friendships before. I will likely lose friendships again. Possibly over this. And I truly hate the thought.

I have been a coward; and I’m going to try very hard to stop. But even contemplating telling my friends my position, I’m feeling a welling, choking sensation I haven’t felt for years.

TIME TRAVEL SEGUE–NO, NOT THAT KIND OF SEGUE—A BACK TO THE PAST KIND:

I had a job once at a place we’ll aptly refer to as “DeepHell University.” It was in the fundraising department. I had a very challenging boss who, in her defense, had a very weird secretary. Me. I was the secretary.

(TRUE CONFESSION: I accidentally read a highly personal email from one of her friends when the I.T. guys accidentally linked my new email to my boss’s mail system–and I read it…and replied to it…at length…because I literally did not understand what the internet was and how it differed from emails.) This happened the very first day I worked there, but the boss forgave me. Kind of.

We managed a rocky half-year of an increasingly challenging relationship. This boss made me nervous. Like cat-on-a-hot-plate-in-a-room-full-of-rabid-pit-bulls, nervous. I took everything she said as criticism or complaints. I felt stupid, clumsy, and unsuited to the job. Everything I heard sounded like blame and hostility. I became so nervous I would plot a course around the entire department in hopes of avoiding seeing her. (Her office was right next to me, but around a corner.) It got so bad, I started doing a thing. A thing I did NOT know I was doing. I started holding my breath. I passed out several times before finally wising up and seeking professional help. I’m lucky I didn’t give myself permanent brain damage via concussion or oxygen deprivation. I have never been so grateful to be fired from a job in my life.

BACK TO THE FUTURE…MEANING THE CURRENT OR PRESENT DAY:

So, if you see me, and I keep a six foot distance from you while you are unmasked, do not be surprised and try not to take offense. Please understand, I am not judging anyone. I am not trying to make any kind of political statement. I’m just trying to make the best choice I can in a very bad time in our world.

I’m supposed to see family tomorrow. They prefer to go maskless. (Apparently they didn’t have the same fantasies about becoming Zorro I did as a child.) I really want to see them but I’m also a ticking time bomb of terror–albeit one with a love of alliteration. It tears my heart in two when I’m faced with this dilemma. I don’t want to be considered a nagging worrywart. And yet, if the wart fits…

So I’m asking them to move the get together into the backyard. And crossing my fingers that I am not dropped from future invitations of this kind–especially seeing as I organized this one. But my family has forgiven flakier behavior than this. [More on this topic in another blog post. I’ve confessed enough for one day. It’s best to spread the crazy out a little bit at a time.]

I’d like to think someday we’ll be safer and these extreme measures won’t be necessary. But that future isn’t here yet. (I’m feeling an overwhelming need to throw in another Back to the Future reference, but I’m coming up blank. You’ll just have to picture me driving a Deloreann and wearing a white, fright wig.)

And for those of you too young to get that reference, here’s a YouTube clip. (Proving I am slightly more technologically capable than my younger self.)

Back to The Future Present Tense–Plague Edition

Do you hate me now?

If you knew that, by catching COVID-19 there is no one who can watch my son, would that make a difference? Any sign of even a cold nowadays, and I lose all the help that comes into my home throughout the week. Help that keeps me from going bat-guano crazy. If I really caught COVID, I would be on my own, struggling to take care of a special needs child and afraid to ask anyone to help because I just couldn’t risk exposing somebody else to the disease.

So I will wear a mask. I will try to stay a six foot distance away. And I will not hold my breath waiting for others to understand. I am scared. For all of us!

In parting, I ask you, my viewing audience:

What would you do if you had to choose between friends…and safety?

What would you choose?

…a question that tempts me to include the following:

I.E.D.s in the Family Tree

I used to scream bloody murder when I was a child. I would shriek so loud, so long, that eventually I would go hoarse. I even developed nodes–tightened knots on my vocal chords. When I finally figured out screaming wasn’t helping me I stopped. This allowed my vocal chords to relax and I discovered I had a deeper register. (As a result, I sing somewhere between contralto and tenor with a hiccup in my falsetto.)

What I couldn’t have told you, even if you had asked, was why. Why did I devolve into a nightmare child shuddering in hysterics? I couldn’t tell you then, but I might be able to tell you now.

But first, a little back story…

Continue reading I.E.D.s in the Family Tree →

Being Fatherless on Father’s Day

This one is for family. If you’ve never known loss, you might not understand. If you have, I am so very sorry. And this one is also for you.

Continue reading Being Fatherless on Father’s Day →