In conversation with my mother recently, the subject of what she would like for Christmas this year came up. Thus begins the weirdest new way to celebrate the season.

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Trigger Warning: If you have recently lost a loved one and are grieving, I am sorry for your loss. However, this post is very much not intended for you. Unless you need someone to hate. Please, grieve responsibly. Thank you.

“Hey, Mom! Would you like a gift card to Meijer or just some cold hard cash you can use anywhere?” (I’m all about the sentiment of the holiday, dontcha know.)

“Actually, I need a DNR sign for my house. In case I die, I don’t want anybody trying to resuscitate me. It happened to the neighbor and afterward, she just didn’t come back the same.”

“Uh…well what if you fall and die when you aren’t at home? Wouldn’t a bracelet or something on you be better?”

[It only occurs to me later that a tattoo across the forehead would be exceptionally noticeable.]

“I’m already wearing my fall alert monitor. But, since I don’t wear it outside the house, I suppose I could do that.”

From mom’s tone, I can tell she’s still thinking of a sign for her door–or maybe a doormat? Something that reads “Grim Reaper Welcome?”

It turns out there is a wide variety of I HEART DEATH related merchandise available after Halloween at murderously slashed prices. Though some are totally worth paying an exorbitant price for.

I was tempted by this one:

Be warned, the two installments of just $22.49 each is buying you a very tiny invitation to death. The above purchase size buys you 40 cm x 60 cm. Which, in American, is about the size of a large mailer envelope.

And then, because I was curious, I looked on Amazon and lo and behold, found this doormat:

Immediately after pulling up this Amazon find, the consumer questions popped up making me laugh despite the grim implications.

“Does it’s design prevent slipping?”

Imagine a product that ensures it becomes immediately useful?

While we talk, I am searching Amazon for something I can get Mom that speaks to the heart of our conversation without being utterly like buying a toe tag in anticipation.

And then I find this on Amazon:

After I send a link and we have a short conversation, we agree. It’s perfect!

In finality, however you celebrate the season, remember, it might be your last. So celebrate it like you really mean it. And make sure your loved ones know you are thinking of them!

And remember, like the song says:

Merry Deathmas Everybody!

YOU’VE READ THIS FAR BONUS:

It is somewhat alarming how many death related things popped up in my search.

Deathmas is real!

I found Deathmas cookies:

And Much Beloved Christmas Stories Perverted for the Goth Child in all of us:

T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE DEATHMAS…

Amazon is all about self-affirmation of people’s right to approach death with the blackest of humor possible.

I call this find Death Granny Epiphanies:

Perhaps this subject matter is too bleak, or in poor taste, for you to find this funny. That’s okay. Maybe you will be reassured that, no matter how hard I tried to find a Death Carol, I failed to locate “Have Yourself a Merry Little Deathmas!” And perhaps that is the happiest news of the day.

Then again, I did find this video:

For which you can be eternally grateful! You’re welcome.

And, I’m sorry.