House Fortress…moat and guard tower sold separately.
I am trying to imagine the conversation I will have with my realtor:
Me: (Ring, ring – Because that’s how imaginary phones sound.) Hello? Hi, I need a home and this (insert laughably small sum here $XX,XXX) is what I can afford.
Realtor: Really? Is there no wiggle room on that dollar amount?
Me: Only if the budget wriggles lower.
Realtor: Okay. Well, what are you looking for?
Me: That’s the tricky part. I need a house with ultra-secure doors—preferably solid wood with no glass. And NO sliding glass doors exiting the house or accordion doors on the closets, thank you very much. No in-sink food disposal units. No ceiling fans. No carpets. An unscalable, securely fenced-in backyard. A lockable basement where the furnace is secured. No Jacuzzi tubs. No decks with a drop greater than three feet. No pools or water hazards in the immediate vicinity. Near public transit and a library if possible.
Realtor: (Stunned silence.)
Me: Oh, and if there is a bedroom with padded walls and no windows, that would be nice. …Hello? Helloooo? Dang it.
Why do I have such a strange list? Because I am a Special Needs Homeowner. I gave birth to a darling boy…who is apparently a cross between Harry Houdini and Wile E. Coyote. If he’s not trying to break out of his prison, he’s likely trying to blow it up. I don’t need a house, I need Fort Knox…on a budget. What realtor wouldn’t jump at the chance to represent me?
So if anyone out there is wondering why I have dropped off the Blogosphere radar, I am trying to achieve the impossible: luring a reluctant realtor with the promise of good Karma and abundant gratitude. Failing that, I’m sure ACME Company will have a trap I could order. Meep Meep.
Stay tuned for the next installment of “House Hunting for Autistics”.
4 thoughts on “Houdini Housing Crisis – Finding a Home in the Special Needs Market”
You are a realtor’s nightmare. Looking forward to more on this story.
I know, right? The blog will almost write itself! Which is a good thing, for the foreseeable future.
What you need is one of those abandoned ICBM missle silos. They’ve been concerting those into homes– talk about secure. 😀
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Based on some of the homes I have visited, I will not be lacking in fissile materials. Most of the homes look like they underwent nuclear testing in the 1950s and are leaking radiation from the lead-based paints coating the walls.