Barbie Dream House Fortress…moat and guard tower sold separately.

I am trying to imagine the conversation I will have with my realtor:

Me: (Ring, ring – Because that’s how imaginary phones sound.) Hello? Hi, I need a home and this (insert laughably small sum here $XX,XXX) is what I can afford.

Realtor: Really? Is there no wiggle room on that dollar amount?

Me: Only if the budget wriggles lower.

Realtor: Okay. Well, what are you looking for?

Me: That’s the tricky part. I need a house with ultra-secure doors—preferably solid wood with no glass. And NO sliding glass doors exiting the house or accordion doors on the closets, thank you very much. No in-sink food disposal units. No ceiling fans. No carpets. An unscalable, securely fenced-in backyard. A lockable basement where the furnace is secured. No Jacuzzi tubs. No decks with a drop greater than three feet. No pools or water hazards in the immediate vicinity. Near public transit and a library if possible.

Realtor: (Stunned silence.)

Me: Oh, and if there is a bedroom with padded walls and no windows, that would be nice. …Hello?   Helloooo? Dang it.

Why do I have such a strange list? Because I am a Special Needs Homeowner. I gave birth to a darling boy…who is apparently a cross between Harry Houdini and Wile E. Coyote. If he’s not trying to break out of his prison, he’s likely trying to blow it up. I don’t need a house, I need Fort Knox…on a budget. What realtor wouldn’t jump at the chance to represent me?

So if anyone out there is wondering why I have dropped off the Blogosphere radar, I am trying to achieve the impossible: luring a reluctant realtor with the promise of good Karma and abundant gratitude. Failing that, I’m sure ACME Company will have a trap I could order. Meep Meep.

Stay tuned for the next installment of “House Hunting for Autistics”.