Advisory: the following contains irreverence for Star Trek, reference to bodily functions (aka toilet humor) and nearly-naked photos. You have been warned.
*
Just days before I was to undergo my hip replacement, this arrived in the mail.
I cannot tell you the relief of receiving the oddest looking thing ever to grace a commode. My first thought upon seeing my elevated toilet hover craft? “It looks like something from Star Trek.” Embracing my new command chair, I was able to boldly go to Spectrum Hospital and face the unknown. So sit back and enjoy this week’s episode of: Hip Trek. (Not a copyright infringement, at all.)
Spaced-Out: The finale to my front and rear! These are the voyages of the starship Enterpoop, Its six week mission: to explore embarrassing losses of dignity, to seek out new ways of putting on socks, to sleep like there’s no tomorrow…
Star Date: 0413.2015
Acting Captain’s Blog, First Officer Reporting: The captain has been relieved of duty by the medical officer. We arrived at the planet Spectrum for a brief layover to augment the captain’s hyperdrive by installing a new dilithium crystal stabilizer.*
Staff arrived disappointingly clothed in green jumpsuits—a total breach of Hip Trek protocol which dictates that medical personnel wear tight, crushed velvet blue shirts with black pants or mini dresses with Go Go boots. As the procedure would take some time, the captain donned a space suit designed to make her look like a Macy’s Day Float…appropriate considering some of the drugs later prescribed.
A nurse—most likely a vicious Romulan—by the name Phlebo ToMist attempted to excavate blood using an unnecessarily pointy object.
- SHO’VA SHAK! (Okay, help me out, I think this one is from Star Gate) Let’s try Klingon: Qu’valth! P’tok!
The Romulan seemed disappointed when she finally hit a vein only to discover the blood wasn’t green after all. The captain suffered this all in silence.**
According to tricorder readings, Bones (aka the surgeon)–plotted a star chart on the captain’s hip.
It looked as though he’d trained with Picasso. The captain was relieved to later awake from sedation to discover her nose reassuringly undisturbed.
The side effects of the procedure included a foggy-headed delirium wherein aliens appeared at odd intervals to monitor the implant and offer to take the captain to the head. The captain may have professed love to the anesthesiologist at one point. Fortunately Bones insisted she maintain near incapacitating level of narcotics in her system so any embarrassing details are but a blurry memory.***
Stardate: 0415.2015
Captain’s Personal Blog: Against medical advice, I have resumed my post. I will admit, Bones may have been right and the frag-bickle-lorum suggests I haven’t all my flurguls in a row. I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he is right though.
It seems as though my body has been taken over by an alien force that requires me to relearn all of my former functions using a variety of odd devices.
There is the sock-o-nator which works only in one direction apparently—which required repeated humiliating lessons before I figured out what I was doing wrong. Fortunately the crew was much less medicated and on hand to help out.
I have a new transporter that, while of limited distance, allows me to move my leg from the floor to levitate at a level that alleviates the pain in my port nacelles.
There is the claw-like apparatus I call the ‘payload retrieval device’; it has a myriad of uses but primarily helps me locate the Captain’s briefs.
Lastly, there is my space shuttle which helps me to drag my carcass from one staggering location aboard ship to another until my body finally remembers how to function as a single, albeit sore, working unit.
And now, my moment of reflection must be cut short as we are on course to the planet Vex-Lax; it’s time to resume my captain’s chair and boldly go. Captain’s log out.
Asteroid Bedazzled Footnotes:
*In other words, to have an anterior hip replacement—dilithium crystal stabilizer sounds much cooler, doesn’t it?
**A total lie, but at least she didn’t scream “Get it out, get it out, get it out” as she did during a past similar hunt for a saline portal whilst preparing to produce her progeny. (This is 100% true. In my defense, the phlebotomist hit a nerve that to this day is funny when touched.)
***This entire post is brought to you by hydrocodone, tramadol and diazepam without which hallucinations such as this would not be possible.
Stay Tuned for Next Week’s Adventure: When the captain gets mortally impaled with a Bat’leth!
TheDustSeason 
Ingenious – those delirium-inducing medicinals are your friends! What a super post. All I can say is, live long and prosper, Captain… Keep doing the exercises and you’ll soon be back on that ‘ongoing mission’. Get well soon!
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Thank you. It’s nice to find out how many Trekkies are out there who appreciate toilet humor. Even if my intellectual cache took a hit, I have no regrets.
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I like the title Captain; I think it has a nice ring to it. Feel free to address me formally on all occasions. I need the ego boost now that so many people have seen my underwear and naked legs online.
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Aye, Cap’n! 😉
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Impressive post, Kiri. Or impressive pain meds–it was difficult to determine which were doing the talking.
I almost lost it at “Make it so, Number One”. There’s nothing funnier than bathroom humor, is there?:
“What’s brown and sticky?”
“(wait for it) (no–longer…)
A stick.”
Wishing you painless days and nights and easy stair climbs and chair-sits as soon as possible.
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That was by far the funniest thing I have ever written…but, then again, that could be the Tramadol talking. Thanks.
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Great. Now I’ll forever think of you as “The Bionic Woman”. Without the super hearing. Or being able to jump over high buildings. Without being able to jump at all, actually. And all that Star Trek talk… You’ll have Borg cosplay geeks trying to assimilate you (or whatever those Borg thingies do — um, does that sort of out me as a non-geek?).
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I did try to come up with an appropriate Seven of Nine reference, but I was distracted by my childish impulse to come up with even more poop-related quotations “I’m giving her all she’s got captain!” Oh and if you even understood half of my post, you are geek enough for me!
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This is FANTASTIC!!! What a wonderful sense of humor you have!!!
I wish you swift healing and infinite patience as you navigate this whole process. And yes. LOTS of painkillers too —!
Once upon a time I had six inches femur removed – with a knee replacement (before losing the #@$ leg anyway). This brought back so many memories…. oy! (Don’t feel bad: I couldn’t operate the sock-o-nator either.) 😉
Great post 😀
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I am sorry to hear about the battle lost to save the leg. I have had two friends in the past year succumb to such a struggle. One is waiting now for his leg to improve enough that they can opt for a below-the-knee amputation. I wish it wasn’t something I write with the same alacrity I might write “Pick up milk at store.” “Chuck is losing leg soon, send card.” But sometimes all you are left with in these circumstances are the bald and ugly facts. You can’t change them, you can just do your best to muster through and help where you can. It sounds as though you’ve reached that distant shore where time allows you to make jokes about what was, no doubt, much more agonizing than anything I have undergone. Thanks for sharing and finding humor in the oddest places–a starship toilet being one of them.
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I’m so sorry about your friends 😦 — and the struggle to be fitted with a leg properly can be an absolute nightmare!!!!
But hey – If you don’t laugh you’ll go utterly INSANE. It’s been 8 years – still lots of down days though. But to be able to read your post – and laugh – and say, “yup! been there” – wonderful 🙂
All the best to you 🙂
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That was really hilarious and creative, Kirizar. I enjoyed it even more because I’m a Star Trek fan. Well done. I have arthritis and that commode looks great.. 😀
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That commode was a lifesaver. I exaggerate not.
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Very clever writing. You speak klingon?
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I Google Klingon, does that count?
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Hey, Kiri,
Stopped by to see if you’d posted any update about your 🏩 recovery. The shock of seeing the 🚽 toilet–I’d forgotten–plus the words “Captain’s Log”–had me Kegeling and cackling while typing this. 😆😅😂
Now I’m afraid to stand up. I hope standing up is better for YOU by this point. 😊
–O.B. (You think THOSE initials are bad? My real ones are…wait for it…
–B.M.!!)
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While I am doing well, I haven’t yet had a chance to stop the craziness of de-boxing the house in order to write a post. That, and I’m back at work, so time, she is whizzing by. Thanks for not forgetting me. It sometimes feels like I have missed a huge amount of posts over the past month.
(My initials are not the least bit alarming…but the fact that my maiden name was the same as an 80’s horror character and my married name was the name of an actual dictator should make you shiver.)
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🙀
At your scary handles; not at the good news. If you’re moving enough for de-boxing 😖, you ARE doing well! 😊
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Creative and irreverent…and probably the best way to deal with medical procedures and recovery. Well done!
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Thanks. It’s nice to know it was all worth it. (The basic reason a blogger does anything…so she can write about it later.)
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