According to my microwave, half-an-inch of snow has fallen in the past hour. No, my oven doesn’t possess space-age technology allowing it to pop the Orville Redenbacher while simultaneously measuring the barometer looking for a warming trends. In fact, it’s not even capable of popping corn correctly. Which is why my microwave is sitting outside in the snow and my windows are open to the elements in hopes I won’t set off the very expensive, ear-piercingly loud fire alarms.*
The reason my microwave is melting a rectangle of water outside my door (that it will no doubt freeze in place overnight), is because I dared to dream. After a day of ‘getting stuff done’ and ‘being responsible’, I decided to take a break, sit down, and watch a movie with my son. Then Netflix froze up and I thought that, while it rebooted, I would make a snack…
Apparently Netflix decided I didn’t deserve to see the ending of “Home” and, while I was fiddling with that, the microwave set its phazers to ‘obliterate’ and my sweet-and-salty popcorn did a Vesuvius. Distracted by ‘the purple screen of death’, I hear my son shutting off the microwave—a favorite thing of his to do. I’m turning to yell at him when I realize billows of black smoke are pouring out through the side vents. Anticipating my curses, the child turns the microwave back on. Of course, I yelled at him anyway…
“No! It’s okay to turn it off when it’s on fire!”**
So, I’m sitting in my snow suit, waiting for the smoke to clear and hoping that, if I ever again get the bright idea to try and have a relaxing evening, I will just skip it and go to bed. Apparently the Gods of Irony have me on speed dial.
Asterisk Bedazzled Footnote:
*My kitchen appliances really ought to come with built-in fire alarms and extinguishers. It would save time.
**One of these days I am going to write a book, Words I Never Thought Would Come Out of My Mouth. The first chapter will be entitled, “That’s Not Food”.
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Please admire my new topic category: “Highly Flammable“. I see great things in my future with this one!
TheDustSeason 
I see six Likes and not one comment. How can there be no comments on such a precious post? The title alone merits a comment. The picture another. You could have just posted the picture, and every person–female person, at least–would have understood how part of your day had gone. That picture, paired with your opening line…SO good, Kiri.
But, besides the title, photo, and opening line, if I grasp the point of the remainder of the post, it is that Orville Redenbacher is evil personified. This we already know, Kiri. I’m sorry you had to discover it through a threat the safety and happiness of you and your son. Thank God you are safe now. Safe, that is, if you put that bag out in the snow together with the oven that absorbed its foul, malevolent vapors.
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Sadly, everything cooked in the microwave now smells slightly smoky. Not a good thing in oatmeal. As for Orville…with a name like that, what choice did he have but to be evil?
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Pyrex bowl or measuring cup + 1/2 vinegar + water in micro, heat it up, let it sit for hours. Repeat as long as smell remains. Replace fluid if IT smells like smoke.
Speaking from smokey experience, this works. My sister Meg was the one who suggested I try vinegar. I chose to accelerate with heat..
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