Everything has gone wrong.
I’m sending this to you from a secure location.*
The system has been infected.
A technician is scheduled to come out (for the third time) to fix it.
Your connection is not private.
Attackers may be trying to steal your information.
Five days ago I uninstalled Facebook from my iPhone and, since then, the WiFi in my house has gone from bad to worse to third-world, post-apocalyptic, nightmare scenario.**
There is no WiFi.
I can’t even connect with my phone due to something called ‘Data.’
I have ten minutes before I have to leave the facility I am writing you from.
If you do not hear from me again, save yourselves.
You have been warned.***
I’ve reinstalled Facebook on my phone…for what it’s worth.
Would someone please tell Zuckerberg and ask him nicely to stop the attack on my house!?
Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:
*The local public library has a safer hot spot than my house does.
**I thought head lice was bad, but this is a bug I cannot comb out or kill with pesticides.
***Please send me WiFi for my birthday, if you have any to spare. (I’d sit on a street corner with a cup, if I thought it might help with a sign that read “Will work for Wifi”… but, I’d fear that that might be misconstrued.)