The Underwire Report

I had a weird day. At least, my boob did.

Let me explain.

Today I confirmed my left boob is growing. This was actually reassuring to find out because I thought I was imagining it. I’ve had boobs my entire adult life and, yes, they fluctuated periodically. (Hahahahahah. Only the girls in the room are laughing at this one!) But never have I feared ginormo boob was a problem on my horizon.

Until today.

After eyeballing my mammary and giving it a jiggle, the lymphedema lady at the Lemmen-Holton Cancer Pavillion gave me a run down of Boob Basic Training exercises that I am to do to prevent any additional boobage, if possible.

“Give yourself a light massage, walk those fingers across the scar area. “ She demonstrated this for me, and added, “Give your boob some love every day!” Or words to that effect.

How long will I have to massage lefty, you ask?

Every day.

Twice a day.

…for the rest of my natural life.

She advised that I engage in manual manipulation to encourage the lymph glands to drain and exercise to loosen the muscles damaged by the surgery and radiation. In chirpy tone, she added, “Your left boob might get higher and tighter as a result of the same damage.”

This only applies to lefty though.

Righty will remain the same sad clown she’s always been.

Oh, and apparently, the advice they gave me after surgery to ditch my underwire bras was actually meant to be a golden rule and not a temporary adjustment until the scars healed.

“Lose the underwires. Get yourself a really good support bra that will smash the girls flat and keep the lymph fluids from settling in one place.” Lymphedema Lady says.

So, I’m offering a pile of slightly (okay, maybe excessively worn) bras to anyone who wants them.

For anyone looking for minty-fresh breasts,
I still have the Winto-Green Funderwear I created for GISH last year!

Warning, the left side cup of all my girly foundational garments might be slightly larger than that the right due to inflation.

Please admire the brassiere of my future:

It’s called The Flex Sportsbra by SheFIt.

Apparently it was made famous by some show called The Shark Tank?

Who knew bras came with their own workout videos?

A final reminder from the Lymphedema Lady:

“Remember! Do a self-exam on the same day every month.”

She suggested the 13th. If it falls on a Friday, you can imagine Jason in his hockey mask coming for revenge of neglected boob love!

You Google “Jason from Friday the 13th” and “Bra” this is what you get!
You have GOT to love Pinterest. (Credit: Calvin McHutchen)

10 thoughts on “The Underwire Report

  1. Oh man. I hate bras. After years and years and years and years I retired from bras (mostly underwire) except when I’m compelled to go out into public beyond my next-door neighbors. I bought front-loading cotton support bras for those rare occasions. I was happy to learn that bra-less-ness is healthy. I love the “minty-fresh breasts”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My closet smelled great with the Winto-Green bra hanging in it.

      I’m afraid letting it all hang out goes against the lymphedema protocols. They want them flat. Like pancakes. The more pressure, the better, apparently. I’m not looking forward to it, but, if needs must, and all that!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I assume you mean NOT while I’m wearing it.

        Also, I did not know wintergreen sparked under pressure! Maybe that’s why it’s so strong tasting when you chew it? It bites back!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hopefully, rational heads will prevail, but I’m all for raising awareness for self exams and annual mammograms. Maybe, someday, chemo and radiation will only be once-upon-a-time options, rather than necessary treatments!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you learn to feel comfortable in squishy flat bras. New norm or whatever. So freakin glad you have the options and that modern medicine knows how to best care for you in ways our grandmothers would never have had.

    I am intrigued that your post comes at a time when I recently measured myself and found that I, too, needed a new brassiere. I threw out all my old bras and I bought three of the same kind and one that’s a bit different, but I must admit, wearing new better fitting bras has made an enormous improvement in my own comfort, although the first few days were … Weird.

    I had measured myself to be sure before ordering a custom frock and was astonished to find my cup size had changed. This led me to a two-day online journey through stories of the unusually sized, the lack of options, and tutorials on breast size and shape. I may now be certified to dress boobs of all sizes, placements, and shapes.

    If you find that you are indeed supported in the SheFit contraption, I would personally like to know as I am always open to bras that can be worn when menfolk invade my house during my otherwise braless hours.


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