It’s gonna be a Bah Humbug Christmas

I’m making a list and checking it twice.

Finding out where I’ve been naughty or nice.

Grumpy-clause wonders where her money’s gone!

*

September

BedBug False Alarm ($175), real Scabies Fiasco. (Untold dollars.) Still scarred by that experience. Haunted by phantom itching everywhere.

September – October – Deck Detailing (at least $500) Impulse to stain a naked fence leads to, manic purchases and lots and lots of kneeling to sand wood already in place. (Not recommended.) Then comes the staining!

Cold weather is coming, so I hire two neighbor girls to help me out. They are pre-teenagers on the cusp of being human. They are enthusiastic though, like overeager puppies throwing themselves at a basket of rubber balls–things fly everywhere.

Knotty Knotty Pine–While they paint, I run to Home Depot for a variety of supplies – one of which requires me carefully putting a plank of wood in my Toyota Prius V. (The V is important. If I hadn’t owned a V, I wouldn’t have tried this. And, likely have saved myself money and hassle.) There had been a bad board–with a big knot that caused the wood to split mid-way along the rail of our ramp.

I get to the Depot. They are super busy. I decide to just go grab a board, get it cut and get back home. I check out and the cashier hears about my great adventure in deck maintenance. Looks at my board, looks at me and says,

Clerk: “You know this isn’t deck planking, right?“

Me: *Blink Blink Blink* “No. I did not know there was such a thing as deck planking.”[Despite the fact that is exactly what was written on the note a helpful clerk had written up for me.]

I decide, screw it and buy it anyway. How bad could it be if it was a little thicker?

Banging Wood in the Parking Lot: Putting things in my trunk, the cart with the board starts wheeling away. A good Samaritan grabs the cart, then the board, and shoves it in my car and slams my trunk. He waves and walks away having done his good deed for the day.

I walk to the front of the car and see this:

Thicker Wood is Bad! I end up paying for it, and losing a Saturday going to Safelite Auto Glass–being terrified by a giant attack spider–and getting the price of my window down to $436.17.

Anyhow, the day of the window fiasco, I schlump back to my house, cursing my fate to discover…

The girls are staining my deck steps instead of the railing…because they accidentally dumped a pan they were filling with expensive stain down said steps.

*Sigh*

I pay them for three days of labor, but then call it ‘good enough’ because I have to save money because a tree in my yard suddenly looks very under-the-weather. Limbs are turning black and dropping off.

I call the city to ask for help. Turns out, despite the fact that the same city parked in front of my house for about 3 months during the hottest part of the summer and dug up the road right next to this tree, even digging into my property to cap an old water main, their arborist claims my tree was already sick and dying before that happened.

I have my own arborists who agree–digging up the roots definitely could effect the tree. But, I am too tired to fight city hall. I take the lowest bid from Top Down Tree Service so that the tree can come down before the winds can bring it down.

Felled Wood: $1184. Not dropping a tree on a person’s head? Priceless!

Catastrophe almost averted: I am just about to relax when…I come home to find my house filling with gas–the person watching my son is unable to smell death coming.

DTE is called, a very competent woman comes and checks my home. I shiver outside with my son as he has snit fits about the door being open. The next day we call a plumber to replace a Gas Cock (yes, my dryer is a boy!) and we are safe once more.

Sommerdyke Plumbing: I paid $218.75 for that cock.

By November, I am twitching and looking at all my appliances sideways. I’m afraid to go anywhere. (Hold that thought.)

I am feeling the cold winds of winter blowing…through the cracks in my front door. I go to Home Depot and a clerk, who shall not be named, suggests these “EASY TO INSTALL” weather stripping.

Me: “What if there are nails in the way?”

Clerk: “Oh, I’m sure there won’t be–it won’t be a problem.”

SPOILER: It was a problem

Turns out there wasn’t a strip of trim holding the decades old weather stripping in place. Nope, it was the entire door jam and very sunk-in nails doing the job.

SIDEBAR: Perhaps certain people shouldn’t own crowbars? Maybe licensing should be required?

Thankfully, there is an area service provider I call in emergencies that I have caused.

It is not called HELP ME I SCREWED UP AGAIN but it should be!
Home Repair Services of Kent County takes my call. This week, I get a call early Monday morning.

WARNING–SERIOUSLY LEWD PARAPHRASING FOLLOWS

Mark: “Hello. I have a few minutes this morning to check out your issues.”

Me: “Oh, it’s gonna take a lot longer than that to fix all my issues.”

Mark: “I’ll take a look and then come back later. How does that sound?”

Me: “Come any time you like.”

After assessing the damage, Mark shows up later that day like a superhero and fixes my door!

Afterwards, I thank him profusely and ask tentatively:

NOT PARAPHRASING AT ALL

Me: “So how much is this gonna cost me?“

Mark: “Twenty-five.“

Me: “Twenty-five hundred?“

Mark: “No. Twenty-five dollars.“

Me: “I love you.”

I slip Mark a $5.00 tip to forget I said that.

I am deliriously happy. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, and getting just a slap on the wrist feels like redemption. Then I spot a thing I have been avoiding seeing out of the corner of my eye while driving in the parking lot of my super grocery store chain.

Me: “No NO NONONONONO!”

After conversations with my car insurance and Safe-Lite Glass Replacement they have the same response to warranty/coverage:

“Not It!”

**SIGH**

I decide to forgo fixing the window for now. We’ll see how long it lasts through the winter.

As I contemplate the bleak holidays ahead, I consider canceling my son’s camp weekend in January 2026.

And that’s when the email arrives from the camp Indian Trails, saying.

“Your son has been awarded a scholarship for the balance of your camper’s weekend!”

So here is Lesson Number Two, just in time for the Thanksgiving Holiday.

BE THANKFUL FOR THE GIFTS YOU ARE GIVEN–BE THEY SMALL OR LARGE. THEY MAKE THE DIFFERENCE WHEN TIMES GET HARD!