Part V–I think, I’m starting to lose track–of an interminable series.

I did it. I made an offer on a house. Again. And again, I battle the nerve-wracking indecision that comes with making such a huge commitment. Added to this burden is the fact that I am still receiving notifications from the auto-generator set up by my realtor. It’s as if the agency wants me to second guess my decision: “Here’s a house nearby that doesn’t have a creepy basement vibe and is $10,000 less than the house you just offered on.”

I am trying to think about this rationally. “You made a decision, you can stop looking now. Really. Stop. Looking. Now!” The problem is, this is one of the biggest decisions of a person’s life. How do you know when you’ve found

‘the one’? I have tried to imagine a similar scenario happening after saying ‘Yes’ to a marriage proposal. You, all excited, shove your hand into the face of your envious circle of single friends, boasting and nearly cutting them with your massive rock: “Look, he went to Jared’s!”* Your friends, pasting overly bright smiles on their lying lips, respond: “Oh, wow. That’s just…great. We’re so happy for you…” A moment of shifty silence goes by. The girl with the slight overbite raises her hand and says, “But look at that guy over there!” Said ‘friend’ points out the handsome hunk across the room. “He’s single, employed, has no mommy issues, and is eyeing you like prime rib.” Then girl turns back, tips head to shoulder and says, “Gee, it’s too bad you can’t date him now that you are engaged. I guess I’ll go over and console him.” You grind your teeth as she flounces away.

I have a history of, let’s just say, buying something on impulse and regretting it a nanosecond after I get it home. The thing is, with most purchases, you can sheepishly slink your way back into the store with a receipt and get your money back. I think this habit has ill-prepared me for buying a house. I know, I know, I still have the inspection to go through. (And we all remember how well the last inspection went, don’t we?)  Maybe the guy will discover a massive problem with the roof, or explain how the water stains in the garage are terminal? Maybe I’ll get hit by a meteor and I can stop worrying about all of this.

So what’s a frazzled girl to do? I’ll tell you, I’m staging my own intervention. I will look myself in the mirror and say, “Kiri, we need to talk. You have a problem. And I’ll be there with you as we figure out how to deal with this.” Maybe I’ll enter house rehab; it will be like a 12-step program but involving less steps. There will be one to be exact. I will tell the realtor to stop the notifications—I want to get off the house hunting merry-go-round. I will do exactly that…just as soon as this house passes inspection…which is set for Friday the 13^th. I’ve got a good feeling about this.

*Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*This joke will only be understood if you live in West Michigan. My apologies to the rest of the world. However, I have wondered why Jared’s Jewelers hasn’t paired up with Jared from Subway sandwich fame to make a cross-over commercial:

Scene:

Two women sitting in a picturesque setting—probably surrounded by flowers and sh*t.

Woman one: “So, how’re things with Jared?”

Woman two: (holding out foot-long sub and flashing a diamond ring): “He went to Jared’s…and then afterward, we went to Subway.”**

**Note to clueless men, this is NOT a suggestion for Valentine’s Day. You would definitely not go to Subway to celebrate. You go to Subway to propose!