A certain song got stuck in my head while I was cleaning this weekend. Then things got weird. You may all thank (or curse) me later.  Enjoy

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I’m Getting Buried in the Morning

To the Tune of (what else) “I’m Getting Married in the Morning“

 

Scene: Graveyard, shadowy suggestion of a tomb and various headstones.

Enter: Vampire singing

 

Vampire: “I’m getting buried in the morning

Ding dong the corpse is looking fine

Don’t try to stake me

Or reanimate me

But get me to the crypt on time!”

 

“I gotta be there by the morning

Or else I won’t be looking in me prime

Dawn’s light will baste me

Fricassee and waste me

So, please do, get me to the crypt on time!”

 

[Enter sweet young thing to be mesmerized by vampire.]

 

Vampire: “If I am hungry, roll out a vein

 

Girl:  “This sucks!” [fainting]

Vampire: “If I should drain you, try not to complain”

 

[sucks victim dry, drops her]

 

Vampire: “For I’m getting buried in the morning”

 

[Enter Zombies – crawl from graves/blankets of grass?]

 

Zombies: “Braai-aiiiins!” [Instead of Ding Dong] [Chew on girl dead on floor.]

Vampire: “The Zombies are just fine.

After their dinner, your brains will be much thinner.

So get me to the crypt,”

Zombies: [shout] “Get us to the crypt,”

Vampire: “So get me to the crypt on time!

 

-Music Slows Dramatically –

[Frankenstein monster enters in tux]

Frankenstein: “Aaunnnnghgh.”

 

[All take off hats to mourn]

 

Vampire: [Gesture to Frankenstein]

“He’s getting married in the morning.”

“The poor sod’s doomed before his time.”

Frankenstein: [nods agreement] “Aaunnnnghghg.”

 

Vampire: “We should detain him

In the mausoleum chain him…”

 

Bride of Frankenstein: [Stalks across stage, drags Frankenstein away.] “Hands off, Vlad, this monster’s mine!”

 

Vampire: [shrugs, then pulls cape across face]

“If I’m a villain, well that’s okay.

The bad guy has more fun anyway.”

 

[Vampire will get into coffin – or lie on table to be raised and carried away.]

 

All: [even dead girl – who becomes zombie]  “He’s getting buried in the morning.

Ding dong, the corpse is looking fine.

Vampire: [sitting up] “Don’t try to stake me

Or reanimate me

But get me to the crypt…”

All: [moving slowly] “Get him to the crypt…”

Vampire: [Stands causing zombies to fall back – dramatic pose] “For unholy sake, get me to the crypt…on…

Ending One:

[Lights up-with a vengeance.]

Vampire: “Oh crap.”

[Vampire disappears in a poof of black smoke. Zombies shamble off, muttering ‘Brains?’ softly.]

Janitor: [Crosses stage with broom, whistling theme song, sweeping up vampire dust. Looks to audience.] “The refrain gets them every time.”

 *

Ending Two:

[Begins where the last refrain stopped.]

Vampire: [singing] “Time.”

Zombies shuffle off taking Vampire with them.

Brief pause with lights still up.

Whistling comes from off stage and Woman (or man) enters

 

Woman: [draped in crosses and garlic necklace, holding stake.]

“He’s getting buried in the morning.

This time, death is gonna take.

With this, I’ll impale him.

Behead and flail him.

‘Cause this vamp slayer’s got a lot at stake!

[End Scene – Lights out]