Notes From The Squirrel Bunker

Covid-Diaries Day 32

“This siege is going on longer than I would have imagined. Supplies are running low. I may have to eat the squirrels in the yard. Hope I can get better with the slingshot, just in case survivalists storm the brigade.”

I don’t know how everyone else is handling their Covid-19 crisis, but I have started and stopped myriad different projects.

Yesterday I planted some free-range Japanese Maple tree seeds picked from a tree along the Buck Creek Trail; I am hoping to grow a bonsai forest to recreate scenes from James Cameron’s Avatar. I will need a lot of blue body paint. Hopefully Amazon will deliver in time for filming.

I’m totally sure I could recreate Neytiri’s pose…maybe.

I am mid-mangling a cross stitch that is supposed to look like this:

So far, I’ve had to restart it halfway up the first cup because I definitely can’t count stitches and have now decided cross-stitching should be an Olympic event, it’s that effing hard!

My cousin, Laura, would definitely take the gold in the 600-meter free stitch competition.

Growing flowers would be easier.

We won’t mention why there is a pile of foam currently taking up space on the living room couch. Nor how it relates to the sticky chair relegated to a corner of the same room. (Let’s just say 3-M Glue spray looks a helluva lot like the Scotchguard Fabric Sealant can.)

If I ever try to tackle re-upholstery again, please remind me of my lack of talents in this–and pretty much any–area of home maintenance.

I did, eventually manage to change the inner tube in my Schwinn bike…after a few missteps.

If you a desperately bored you can re-watch my three part mini-series in which I demonstrate my lack of acumen and technical expertise. Warning, I did not bother with make-up, a special outfit, or any giving of damns during the recordings.

In fact, I display a total lack of f*cks about my grey hair. You can see it in close-up, as I have no idea how to do the camera and talk at the same time.

(Pardon my French, being housebound has not improved my vocabulary. I’m surprised when I don’t wake up swearing.)

Video the First on How NOT to change a bike tire…

I watched some excellent YouTube videos on how-to remove and replace the inner tube. They would be a lot more helpful than anything I impart here.

But, if you are interested in MY approach to bike maintenance, here’s the rest of my bicycle revelations via Facebook Live video:

Video the Second: Let the Ranting Commence!

And, because I referenced it in the previous video, here is an outtake of The Big Bang Theory episode involving percussive shock and the frustration of lug nuts:

Despite sound delay, still worth watching for the blazingly funny ending.

And then this happened…

After finding out that the old inner tube wasn’t the problem, I was proud to learn, after only four hours of effort, that I can actually change a tire.

Whether I can put the tire back on, however…

For some inexplicable reason, the bike wouldn’t move!

Rule of Maintenance: Always keep your mind on where you are at.

I was holding a conversation–from a distance–with a mother who was walking her son around the block while I put the tire back on the first time. Just call me the Wrong-Way Wheelwright.

So, there you have it. My response to isolation is to go more insane each day until I am buried neck-deep in unfinished projects.

And if anyone wants me I’ll be in the bunker, waiting for the squirrels to attack. I’ve been watching them and they’re looking particularly ballsy lately.

19 thoughts on “Notes From The Squirrel Bunker

  1. Unfortunately, they didn’t get the Pere Marquette trail online until 1993, 15 years after I’d split for California. I would have loved it to death! We had some rural paved roads I rode but drivers were even less courteous to cyclists back then than they are now.

    The city of Midland started putting in a few bicycle lanes in when I was in high school but they were just short routes through a few places in town. I still had to take mostly sidewalks if I wanted to ride my bike to school.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll have to keep this in mind the next time we head up north, but honestly, I hope my son doesn’t learn it’s a 30 mile trail. He likely has the stamina, but I can just barely manage the trip around Mackinac Island and that’s only 8 miles!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve done that—mostly because I’m out of shape. But allergies do require I dose myself with Claritin beforehand. Or I swell up like a Macy’s Day balloon.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. To me they are honestly too cute to eat. Plus, the whole catch them/kill them aspect puts me off. Chicken should be so lucky, but they come prepared at the grocery store where I don’t see their beady, yet soulful, eyes.

      Out of curiosity, does squirrel taste like chicken?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I so get “mid-mangling” when it comes to cross stitch. I used to enjoy the hobby but once my eyes started failing, that’s it, game over for me.

    I enjoyed the videos because I got to hear your voice and you’ll be happy to know it fits perfectly with the voice in my head when I read you.

    So now, there’s my confession. I hear voices in my head!

    Thanks for the giggles.

    You rock.

    Be safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As long as the voices are kind and supportive, listen to them. The minute the bastards start telling you hurtful, not helpful things, then they’ve got to go! That’s my policy.

      And I’m always surprised by what my voice sounds like. Mostly because I sound a lot like my brother. I don’t know when you would have met him, but that’s probably what you’re hearing! 🙃


    1. There are worse things to wake up hearing. Yesterday, I woke up to the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen. But the swearing did follow.

      As for 2016, I’m fairly certain I know why you were swearing. Let’s hope this November cures all ills, Covid-19 included.


  3. I can do some cross-stitch, but the intense ones are NOT for me. My dad does those, and he does incredible work. Just beautiful.
    I am sorry you were forced to labor on your own bicycle. I had not realized tires were one way. Obviously I am as inept as you when it comes to these things, but I am wholly impressed by your perseverance. Also, I enjoyed seeing your face and hearing your voice 🙂


    1. I figure anyone who is willing to watch idiotic home videos can at least appreciate how much better they look by comparison. This is why I don’t bother with the war paint and hair maintenance. (Insert Winky Emoji.)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. That bit about the chair made me laugh and laugh. Exactly the kind of thing I do. Changing a bike tube is a special kind of annoying and I can’t count and sew at the same time either. I can knit but that’s a bit simpler. The crowning not of my week is the days so far trying to submit stome books to a website.



    Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel the same way! Autocorrect usually changes what I meant into an incomprehensible series of letters and then, for fun, doesn’t recognize perfectly cromulant words and questions them with a red underline!

        (Bonus points if you get that reference.)


    1. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in the “all thumbs” and “no brain” department. I have yet to tackle the other three chairs because of the disappointment of the first attempt!

      Maybe today will be the day I find the enthusiasm that had me shelling out $120 for mail order foam!


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