In conversation with my mother recently, the subject of what she would like for Christmas this year came up. Thus begins the weirdest new way to celebrate the season.
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Trigger Warning: If you have recently lost a loved one and are grieving, I am sorry for your loss. However, this post is very much not intended for you. Unless you need someone to hate. Please, grieve responsibly. Thank you.
“Hey, Mom! Would you like a gift card to Meijer or just some cold hard cash you can use anywhere?” (I’m all about the sentiment of the holiday, dontcha know.)
“Actually, I need a DNR sign for my house. In case I die, I don’t want anybody trying to resuscitate me. It happened to the neighbor and afterward, she just didn’t come back the same.”
“Uh…well what if you fall and die when you aren’t at home? Wouldn’t a bracelet or something on you be better?”
[It only occurs to me later that a tattoo across the forehead would be exceptionally noticeable.]
“I’m already wearing my fall alert monitor. But, since I don’t wear it outside the house, I suppose I could do that.”
From mom’s tone, I can tell she’s still thinking of a sign for her door–or maybe a doormat? Something that reads “Grim Reaper Welcome?”
It turns out there is a wide variety of I HEART DEATH related merchandise available after Halloween at murderously slashed prices. Though some are totally worth paying an exorbitant price for.
I was tempted by this one:
Be warned, the two installments of just $22.49 each is buying you a very tiny invitation to death. The above purchase size buys you 40 cm x 60 cm. Which, in American, is about the size of a large mailer envelope.
And then, because I was curious, I looked on Amazon and lo and behold, found this doormat:
Immediately after pulling up this Amazon find, the consumer questions popped up making me laugh despite the grim implications.
“Does it’s design prevent slipping?”
Imagine a product that ensures it becomes immediately useful?
While we talk, I am searching Amazon for something I can get Mom that speaks to the heart of our conversation without being utterly like buying a toe tag in anticipation.
And then I find this on Amazon:
After I send a link and we have a short conversation, we agree. It’s perfect!
In finality, however you celebrate the season, remember, it might be your last. So celebrate it like you really mean it. And make sure your loved ones know you are thinking of them!
And remember, like the song says:
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!
YOU BETTER NOT CRY
YOU BETTER NOT POUT!
I’M TELLING YOU WHY!
REAPER CLAUS IS COMING FOR YOU!
Merry Deathmas Everybody!
YOU’VE READ THIS FAR BONUS:
It is somewhat alarming how many death related things popped up in my search.
Deathmas is real!
I found Deathmas cookies:
And Much Beloved Christmas Stories Perverted for the Goth Child in all of us:
T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE DEATHMAS…
Amazon is all about self-affirmation of people’s right to approach death with the blackest of humor possible.
I call this find Death Granny Epiphanies:
Perhaps this subject matter is too bleak, or in poor taste, for you to find this funny. That’s okay. Maybe you will be reassured that, no matter how hard I tried to find a Death Carol, I failed to locate “Have Yourself a Merry Little Deathmas!” And perhaps that is the happiest news of the day.
Then again, I did find this video:
For which you can be eternally grateful! You’re welcome.
And, I’m sorry.
TheDustSeason 
I’ll ask my son, the EMT, if a DNR doormat would do the trick. I suspect not. Having watched the hospital perform futile CPR on my mother in law, I’d prefer to just be allowed to die. It was the grizzliest thing I’ve ever seen.
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Agreed. I have my own experience with my husband on life support. That alone was enough to confirm my opinion that, when it is time to go, let me go. We really need to get tattoos that spell that out with a number for our lawyer’s office on speed dial included.
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I think the necklace on a long chain would be evident if anyone looked at my chest to make the effort and it wouldn’t creep the faint of heart like a sign on your door or window.
I know someone who had one on her door window and some people couldn’t handle that. I also have my paperwork in order. I don’t care to be alive in a vegetative. dependent state with no quality of life.
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Agreed. I feared a doormat would be covered by snow, or, in their haste, the people entering wouldn’t even bother to read a spelled-out floor message. Really, mom needs to hope that she dies in exactly the right way–after explaining to the attendants present her wishes. Even then, the doctors tend to favor life at any cost–and that isn’t a life anyone who has seen a vegetative state would want.
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I have lost someone at Christmas but I still laughed, and so would she if she’d been around. 🙂
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Well … I have lost someone at Christmas, but I still found that funny. She would have enjoyed the sentiment, too. 🙂 Have a good one.
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My husband’s birthday was December 28th. Every year, I celebrate him by having pizza on that day. His son approves tremendously of the tradition, even though, he never really got to know his father. The love lives on.
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Even the bleakest of hearts would not want their beloved to suffer annually. Toast those who are gone and live in their memory. It is the best way to navigate the rocky sholes of grief that always comes in waves–especially at the holidays. Happy Christmas, Merry Solstice, Happy Channukah, Feliz Navidad, and all that jazz!
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Ok, you made me laugh.
As a big fan of Sir Terry Pratchett I am very fond of Death and his wonderful ride on Hogwarts Eve.
Merry Merry!
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My favorite part is that every living thing has its own personified Death. The Death of Rats is such a funny idea, and so apt! No one can every truly replace the late, great Sir Terry Pratchett.
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oops! Hogfather, not Harry P’s school. Sigh.
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I didn’t even catch it the first time. My brain simply translated into what you meant and carried on!
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😀 Fun tongue-in-cheek post 😀
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I’m glad you found it tongue-in-cheek and not a tasteless excuse for humor at my mother’s expense. Hopefully she agrees with you.
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I’m absolutely sure that it’s probably going to be taken that way… maybe. 😀 LOL
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Thanks for this, Kiri. I’ve been thinking about this myself – How does someone KNOW to not try to resuscitate me even if I have a DNR. I thought about a tattoo but I don’t really want that. I will get the necklace! Finally, jewelry that I’ll actually wear.
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It helps to have the Power of Attorney for Health Care with your wishes spelled out and someone you trust to advocate for you. Even if that advocacy is for letting you go. Dignity in death shouldn’t be a litigated nightmare, but sometimes, there are no good options.
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