Category Archives: Rambling Rose

Signs Along the Way

Sometimes, you just need a little encouragement. Welcome to a journey I’m calling “The unintended road trip on the serendipitous path of lung-wrenching discovery.”

*

It is the Fourth of July and the crabby son needs quelling; so into the car we hop. My child barks directions: “left,”  “straight,” “more” from the back seat. We drive south along Highway 196 headed nowhere in particular–when someone suggests ice cream.*

Saugatuck Tea Co

We brave the lovely town of Saugatuck packed to the gills with red-white-and-blue spangled holiday goers. Quirky shops nestle along the Kalamazoo River. While the pre-teen scarfs gelato as if  I hadn’t fed him in weeks,  I manage a quick interlude at the Saugatuck Tea Company. Decorative teapots and art-inspired mugs lure shoppers in. A huge Russian Samovar painted in bright, enameled colors squats in a corner behind a room divider–the space manages to be bright and airy despite its modest dimensions.

In addition to tea paraphernalia, one entire wall offers loose-leafed teas with elaborate names like ‘Dragon Tears’ and ‘White Monkey Paw.’ I exchange words with the proprietress. She waves me to the wall of glass jars and lets me sniff the various contents. When I mention a favorite tea I purchase from a rival gang Teavana and how expensive it is, she suggests I get the list of ingredients next time I’m there and she can try to reproduce the results.

After smuggling my score out of the store in an attention-getting paisley bag, my child and I meander. With no great plans, we are unbound by expectation. It is very carefree and relaxing. I suspect this is what leads to the eventual cacophony epiphany to come.

We pass the gazebo in Wick’s Park and I can’t help myself, I have to stop and photograph the beautifully painted cinder block building that houses the public restroom. Who wouldn’t want to pee here?

Then, it is along the water to the nearby point of local interest–the chain link ferry.  I brought my son here many years ago, when he was just a little guy. In a fit of nostalgia, I drag him to recreate the experience.

Saug - Ferry 1

College students busk for tips, joke with passengers, and lure small children into photo ops turning the hand crank that churns the small boat across the river on a rickety chain. It is a swift journey and we are deposited on the other side to seek the experience that will make our day: the climb to Mount Baldhead.

Saug - Boy Crank Boat

As we leave the small boat, the crew encourages us to: “Be careful as we disembark.”  And in passing, they say, “Oh, enjoy the 302 steps up! Don’t worry, it doesn’t get hard until the last two!”

Saug - Vertiginous Climb
No, the photo is not distorted–it really is that steep…and sideways.

Join me in the ascent. And like the experience itself, I will let the view speak for me…mostly because I am wheezing and turning magenta as I make my way up the vertiginous climb.

My son quickly leaves me in the dust. He prances ahead a spastic, loping blur of red–I am struck by the fanciful notion that for once, the sun/son rises in the West. Hypoxia sets in very quickly it seems.

As if climbing a sheer-faced cliff, the higher up I get, the less oxygen there seems to be–despite the valiant effort my lungs make imitating a wounded bellows. I get dizzy by the fourth flight and feel as though the signposts are talking to me***:

Cautionary warnings mark the trail, if only you know where to look:

Saug - Tears Ahead
At first, I thought, “How nice. Tears ahead-zero!” then I realized…it was a drawing of a tear.

 

Saug - Post - Watch out for Ticks
With artwork like that, how will anyone tell a tick from a hollow raisin with bad hair?
Saug - Warning Prepare to Die
My name is Iniego Standish, You killed my father…

 

I pause frequently to admire the view/find peace with the inevitability of death.

Saug - 97 Steps
A 12-step program sounds much easier in comparison.

Before long, the signs of the prophets speak their words of wisdom–no subway walls required:

Saug - Keep it Up
Try not to infer sexual innuendos as you go.  It’s hard…see…but try.

 

Many have come before us…

Saug - L & E 2015
We marvel at cave drawings–why not this?

Some found love to hold and keep them strong–quite recently it seems:

Saug - Hanny & Maddie
It’s been less than a week, I wonder if they are still together?

Some return with their love to mark the passage and constancy of their union:

Saug - Yes We Did It
Remember what I said earlier about not finding suggestive interpretations: “We did it!” At least their initials are not S & M.  That would have just nailed it.

Some are a bit defiant about it:

Saug - Janna and Todd Were Still Married
Note: It is 2016 and they have been silent for three years. One hopes it is not the end of love for Janna and Todd.

Step-by-gasping-step, life lessons are revealed…though the truth is somewhat debatable:

Saug - I have never Left any of you
“I have never left any of you” is crossed out to read “I have always left of you.” Personally, I’m going to agree with the one who has a better grasp of the present perfect tense.

Some who wander the path share their pain with the world:

Saug - I may be sad but I m not weak
A brave girl, that Summer Weersma.

She has a lot in common with a fellow traveler:

Saug - I beat breast cancer

 

And then, there is the impetuous voice of youth speaking to the ages:

Saug - Dick & Balls
We may  never know all of life’s mysteries, but at least we know someone has much love for “Dick & Balls.”

The stair treads pass slowly. I pause more frequently and try not to feel as if one quick shove would send me over the edge. The signs urge me on….

I reach the top victorious where my son hands me his lemonade to open. I stagger over to admire the view which is truly spectacular–if somewhat buried in the surrounding trees.

Saug - View 1

I get mere minutes to enjoy the splendid view before my child hares back down the path as if gravity has no greater significance than a propellant to urge him onward. I am more cautious–and cognizant of how difficult it would be to get a gurney up to retrieve my broken ass if I fell.

Saug - Back Down Again

There you have it. Wooden aphorisms mark a trail for the intrepid explorer to follow. You can be your own Magellan–circling the world to find answers to life questions. You can take the wisdom of others–picking and choosing to see what fits.

You can wear your epiphanies on your chest–much like my son’s perspicacious porcine persuasion.

Saug - Eat Bacon
My son’s love of bacon has led to a variety of pork-related t-shirt slogans. He no doubt has bacon epiphanies.

 

Or you can wander off the path to make new discoveries and record them in out-of-the-way places to be discovered or not as the universe sees fit.

As for me, I follow the signs that speak to my heart:

Saug - Gelato

 

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*It might have been me.

**I now have ‘connections’–so, if you need some prime, illicit loose leaf, you know who to call.

***Actually, I did not see most of these signs until I was making my way back down. Call it ironic hindsight.

Ban the Hashtag—#WarOfWords

Words have power. The language we use tells people more about us than we like to think. Which makes you wonder why we don’t try harder not to sound like idiots.*

###

I was having a discussion the other day with my friend and we started by bantering back-and-forth about expressions we are too old to use or that are so overdone they should be retired.   (This exchange went on for several minutes.  We think we are very funny when we haven’t had our caffeine yet.)

Everybody’s Saying It

Me: “I can’t stand the use of “What happens in (Blank) stays in (Blank). The Las Vegas board of tourism should fine people whenever it is misused.”

Her: “I’m sick of hashtags. I run across one and think “Why do people throw them at the end of everything they post? I’ve used one ONCE, and then only ironically.” #overdone

Me: “Text speak should be outlawed altogether. We could force people to wear an emoticon or the @ symbol as a sign of penance. It would be red and we’d call it The Scarlet Symbol!”

Her: “The Hashtag is better.”

Me: “I think the @ symbol is closer to the letter A.”

Her: “You should definitely use the HASHTAG!”  #Opinionated

For the sake of our friendship, we drop it. You’ll notice, however, that I eventually agreed with her. Another pet peeve rears its English head.

Me: “The phrase ‘Keep Calm and [Blank] On!’ where people fill in the blank with whatever thing they like.  I saw one that said ‘Keep Calm and Bake On!’ with a cupcake instead of a crown.  Stop just stop!”

Clerical Errors–Not Just For Clergy Anymore

We discussed what we were tired of seeing in writing.

Her: “I’m tired of seeing single word sentences. You know, where the author puts a period after every word for emphasis?”

Me: “Or, if you put it ironically: Overused. Periods. Must. Go.”

I couldn’t think of an example to complement this at the time, but since then, I would submit another particular annoyance—the word ‘Not’. Where people make a statement and then negate it with the single word ‘Not’ afterward.  I just love this.  Not.

Insults Add Injury

Then she proved to me exactly how far out of the loop I am, slang wise.

Her: “I’m tired of ‘Throwing shade.’ ”

Me: “What?  I’ve never heard of that one.”

Her: “It’s an insult.”

Me: “Like ‘dissing’ someone?”

Her: “I don’t think anyone uses that one anymore.” (I swear she snickered when she said this.)

Her: “And ‘Butthurt’. I’m tired of ‘Butthurt’.”

Me: “That’s what she said.”**

Her: “Hah hah. Very funny.”

Me: “No, I’m tired of the phrase, ‘That’s what she said.’  I don’t really know the expression ‘Butthurt’ is it like ‘Asshole’?”

We devolve into a nattering Google search trying to confirm the origin of that one.

Her: “It means: ‘Overly annoyed, bothered or bugged because of a perceived insult; needlessly offended.’ I would have thought it had a more sexual meaning.”

Then she looks a bit further; she is scrolling the text when she stops.

Her: “Oh…someone here uses it to be degrading, as if it means rape.”

We’re both silent for a minute tacitly agreeing this isn’t funny and maybe we should just drop this line of thought. But, we aren’t over finding ourselves terribly amusing in general, if not in this particular instance.

You’ve Been Served

Me: “I hate it when I use slang that I am wayyy too old to be using: ‘My Bad!’”

Her: “I’ll confess, with a pre-teen running around the house, I’ve been known to drop a ‘Whatevs’ on occasion.”

Me: (Gasp) “No!”

She nods sadly and I shake my head in disbelief. We pause for a moment to digest how much respect we have just lost for each other.

Then we momentarily veer unto serious grounds. I may have climbed on a soapbox for a moment or two, before being overwhelmed by the dizzying heights of intellectual pursuit and falling off again.

Brown Shirting It

Me: “The use of the phrase ‘Nazi’ intending to be a clever slur for whatever someone feels like making fun of: ‘Grammar Nazi’… ‘Soup Nazi’…”

Her: “Feminazi.”

{Non-Sequitur Alert}

Me: “Speaking of Nazis, I just watched a memorial show about the holocaust this week in which two sons of Nazi war criminals met and talked about their respective fathers’ part in the genocide. It was shocking how much one son denied his father’s involvement—even with evidence put before him—he refused to believe his father was a bad man.”

My friend no doubt said something very smart and insightful in response, but alas, I have forgotten what is was. Enjoy this Holocaust meme instead:

Holocaust Meme 1.jpg
I love it best for the typo it contains.

And this one:

On a side note, I wasn’t aware there was a Holocaust Day of Remembrance.  This week, all anyone could talk about was an album by Beyonce–something having to do with fruit juice.  Instead, I watched a documentary about Niklas Frank and Horst van Wachter–sons of two high-ranking Nazi officials. PBS presented this in advance of Holocaust Remembrance Day which was May 5 this year. The Last Picture of Hans Frank aired May 2 and it was an excerpt of a larger documentary: My Nazi Legacy: What Our Fathers Did.  An article in The Telegraph  provides insight into the conflict surrounding those who remember and those who still deny the Holocaust–in part or whole.

Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blog, Already in Progress

Me: “I have wondered how entire countries could have participated in the atrocities during the Holocaust; how did so many people fall in line with the belief that killing people was a moral and just act?  And now, listening to the bile spewed by Donald Trump, I see how it can happen.”

We stumble through the hazards of discussing politics on a gray day. It helps that we are both Die-Hard With a Vengeance liberals but the topic should come with a trigger warning:

Danger: discussing the buffoons currently running for office may result in catatonia, convulsions, or the desire to hurl yourself off a tall building. If over-exposed, seek the nearest bi-partisan affiliated medical center or move to Canada.

I Hate Hashtags

Just the day before, Ted Cruz took his campaign off life support, and as a nation we were equal parts relieved and horrified by the confirmation that Donald Trump was the de facto Republican candidate.***

Me: “I heard what’shisname dropped out of the race, finally. I can never remember his name.  You know, the first runner up?”

Her: “Cruz. Ted Cruz.” [Read this with a James Bond 007 emphasis]

Me: “And now the Republicans are fighting about whether to back Trump or not. I am terrified of the prospect of a Trump presidency.”

Her: “I just can’t watch the election coverage any more. I am so sick and tired of hearing the hateful things Trump says and then there are his supporters who are proud of their racists, sexist, bigoted views. I’d rather go work in my garden.”

And on this, I have to agree.  After listening to people sling political bullshit, it’s nice to find a use for it by going and fertilizing the plants—metaphorically speaking.

Our conversation drizzled to a halt and we signed off Skype and returned to the minutia of daily life. But the conversation stayed with me.

The Skinny

I’ve been trying to parse out the meaning of it all—what I think about the mixed bag of ideas: well-worn aphorisms, iconic statements (#oversimplification), misused marketing jargon, and the fact we’ve reduced the election process to tweet wars. It’s become a contest for who can fling the most monkey dung without having any stick to them! When I couldn’t wrap my head around an answer, I did what most people do.  I looked to the internet.

NPR offers a meaningful look at the effect of a meme-oriented mindset by reporting on the comparison of Donald Trump with Adolph Hitler. The article references Godwin’s Law of Nazi Analogies—and it gave me a momentary pause for thought to consider my own eagerness to pass on a witty slam against a political adversary. Am I part of the problem when I partake in the Olympic event that is the hundred-yard dash to judgement on something the other side has said?

Democrats like to vilify the enemy as much as the Republicans like to burn Democrats in verbal effigy. Tit-for-tat backstabbing is the mother tongue of politics. Rhetoric, polemics and personal insult take the place of a real discussion. Issues are boiled down to a symbol and a word or two.

#BlackLivesMatterButEvidentlyNotEnoughToFixTheWaterInFlint

In the political arena, center stage is given to the loudest actor with the best lines.  (Who remembers anything Guildenstern said? Anybody? No?  No, it’s all about Hamlet.  Hamlet said this. Hamlet stabbed Polonius. Hamlet left Ophelia to drown. Hamlet has fake hair and his wife is an immigrant. Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet! No one mourns poor Guildenstern, except maybe Rosencrantz and even then it was probably laced with self-pity. In this analogy, Guildentstern and Rosencrantz are played by Ron Paul and Jeb Bush.)

#BitPlayersDie

When all you have are sound bites, it is hard to digest and regurgitate an educated opinion—and apparently no one really wants a nine-course, fact-laden meal when they can swallow nuggets of pseudo truth instead. Sadly, the toy that comes with this Un-Happy Meal is whoever is elected. It is the Age of Oblivious and the one with the most likes wins.

#Spoiler:WeAllLose

Where was I heading with this? I’m not entirely sure. This started out funny and lighthearted and then spazzed into a quasi political rant half-way through.  Suffice it to say, there is something dangerous about relying on pat answers or worn-out catch phrases to represent our opinions. It is just too easy.  And as the poster hanging on the wall of my social studies classroom in high school said: “For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” H. L. Mencken****

#IronicFootnote

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*Donald Trump, I’m talking to you.

**Okay, I’m totally making up this reply.  I only came up with it much later when my brain gives up all the wittier things I might have said if I only could have thunk them up at the time.

***De Facto is an abbreviation, the long form is: Eligendi asini, de facto producit ventum de inmundo. (For those of you too lazy to use Google Translate: Electing an ass in effect produces a foul wind.)

****And just to prove how dangerously full-circle this reference is, Wikipedia describes H. L. Mencken thus:

“His diary indicates that he harbored strong racist and antisemitic attitudes, and was sympathetic to the Social Darwinism practiced by the Nazis.”

So, I can understand how Donald Trump could cite an opinion which originated with Mussolini without knowing it.  But, once you know, you have to realize your words might not be conveying the message you think.

#ContextIsEverything

Thoughts of Water

Have you ever watched a cup of water? Not in a cloudy-clear glass sitting still on a Formica table at a diner where you expect 1950’s bobby socks and poodle skirts to walk past, and where the waitress wears a mustard yellow uniform in unflattering polyester and has the nametag Flo or Madge stitched crookedly across one breast. No, I’m describing a hot cup of water in a black coffee cup carefully monitored as you carry it back from the tea pot or microwave, water that is potentially scalding, where a wary thumb and forefinger clutch a handle tight to avoid brushing the surface of the mug. Have you ever wondered what the water was thinking?

Ripples quake in the ceramic depths as you navigate the stairs—equal attention on the precarious balance of supporting the contents without it sloshing over and making sure you don’t trip on the risers causing the same outcome. The water is a mirror which reflects glimpses of the outside—a winter white light bounces and then catches your surprised face staring back at you. An impermanent, liquid mirror.  And then it is gone again, in the ripples and splash of a miniature storm. This is probably where the expression comes from—a tempest in a teacup. Someone somewhere tripped and an expression was born of momentary carelessness. Will anything I ever say have the same lasting impact? Or must I bruise myself first and stumble my way to clichéd fame?

Does the water care that it once rocked oceans and ruled tiny coastlines—terrorizing small fishing boats, tossing them like broken toys to sink to the sandy bottom? Does it remember falling from the sky and running free through rock-ripped currents and over cataracts, emerging in tranquility to form a volcanic basin on tropic isles? Did this water wash the blood of battle fields and soothe the wounded and dying? Is there an echo of tears in every drop? Does the world weep when it rains?

This water is unaffected by the arts and schemes of human interference. It can be frozen but thawed, steamed but reconstituted, filtered but retains its elemental blueprint: two hydrogen and one carbon, atomic grace notes on a cosmic scale. It can be changed, but never altered. Added to, but never taken away, not really. For it returns from the hidden depths, the wellspring of glacial deposits and melt waters, pressing from the Earth like a sponge squeezed from the reservoir retained in once-living cells.  If you drink it, you can taste the memory of its birth. The cooling sun of millions of years ago heated the first molecules to form atmosphere and fill in the gaps of a rocky ball birthed of pressure and centrifugal forces.

I stare into the cup and the universe stares back.

I drop in a teabag and go about my day.

image
In my TARDIS Cup, the tea is bigger on the inside.

When a Tune Haunts You…

 

A certain song got stuck in my head while I was cleaning this weekend. Then things got weird. You may all thank (or curse) me later.  Enjoy

____________________________________________________

I’m Getting Buried in the Morning

To the Tune of (what else) “I’m Getting Married in the Morning

 

Scene: Graveyard, shadowy suggestion of a tomb and various headstones.

Enter: Vampire singing

 

Vampire: “I’m getting buried in the morning

Ding dong the corpse is looking fine

Don’t try to stake me

Or reanimate me

But get me to the crypt on time!”

 

“I gotta be there by the morning

Or else I won’t be looking in me prime

Dawn’s light will baste me

Fricassee and waste me

So, please do, get me to the crypt on time!”

 

[Enter sweet young thing to be mesmerized by vampire.]

 

Vampire: “If I am hungry, roll out a vein

Vampire Bite
He totally sucks…but that isn’t always a bad thing. Photo courtesy of Pixabay

 

Girl:  “This sucks!” [fainting]

Vampire: “If I should drain you, try not to complain”

 

[sucks victim dry, drops her]

 

Vampire: “For I’m getting buried in the morning”

 

[Enter Zombies – crawl from graves/blankets of grass?]

 

Zombies: “Braai-aiiiins!” [Instead of Ding Dong] [Chew on girl dead on floor.]

Vampire: “The Zombies are just fine.

After their dinner, your brains will be much thinner.

So get me to the crypt,”

Zombies: [shout] “Get us to the crypt,”

Vampire: “So get me to the crypt on time!

 

-Music Slows Dramatically –

[Frankenstein monster enters in tux]

Frankenstein: “Aaunnnnghgh.”

 

[All take off hats to mourn]

 

Vampire: [Gesture to Frankenstein]

“He’s getting married in the morning.”

“The poor sod’s doomed before his time.”

Frankenstein: [nods agreement] “Aaunnnnghghg.”

 

Vampire: “We should detain him

In the mausoleum chain him…”

 

Bride of Frankenstein: [Stalks across stage, drags Frankenstein away.] “Hands off, Vlad, this monster’s mine!”

 

Vampire: [shrugs, then pulls cape across face]

“If I’m a villain, well that’s okay.

The bad guy has more fun anyway.”

 

[Vampire will get into coffin – or lie on table to be raised and carried away.]

 

All: [even dead girl – who becomes zombie]  “He’s getting buried in the morning.

Ding dong, the corpse is looking fine.

Vampire: [sitting up] “Don’t try to stake me

Or reanimate me

But get me to the crypt…”

All: [moving slowly] “Get him to the crypt…”

Vampire: [Stands causing zombies to fall back – dramatic pose] “For unholy sake, get me to the crypt…on…

Ending One:

[Lights up-with a vengeance.]

Vampire: “Oh crap.”

[Vampire disappears in a poof of black smoke. Zombies shamble off, muttering ‘Brains?’ softly.]

Janitor: [Crosses stage with broom, whistling theme song, sweeping up vampire dust. Looks to audience.] “The refrain gets them every time.”

 *

Ending Two:

[Begins where the last refrain stopped.]

Vampire: [singing] “Time.”

Zombies shuffle off taking Vampire with them.

Brief pause with lights still up.

Whistling comes from off stage and Woman (or man) enters

 

Woman: [draped in crosses and garlic necklace, holding stake.]

“He’s getting buried in the morning.

This time, death is gonna take.

With this, I’ll impale him.

Behead and flail him.

‘Cause this vamp slayer’s got a lot at stake!

[End Scene – Lights out]

Proof of Happiness

 

Photo Circa 1967
This instant photo sort of captures that certain je ne sais quois of mornings around the breakfast table at my house growing up. (Note the bottle of ubiquitous ketchup-required for all American meals.)

Instead of sitting to write my manifesto novel for Nanowrimo, I have been looking at old photos on my laptop. I’m calling it ‘organizing’ them, but what I am really doing is procrastinating wallowing in nostalgia. Some photos are incomprehensible. Why for example did I need to take a picture of my son’s gloves with his library book? Possibly for later identification when one or both got lost? The majority of the pictures, however, besides capturing the whimsical or inconsequential impulses of a shutter bug, seems to feed an insatiable need to record the best moments of life: the trips taken, the milestones celebrated and the triumphs achieved. The purpose of photographic evidence stems from a need to document a life well-lived. But what if it is an illusion? What then?

Old Photos007
The Christmas We Beat the Tree with a Broom to Remove the Needles. (We were kids, that’s why.) Hey, Cousin Todd. Remember this one?

I have been that relative. You know the one. The person who carried a camera to all family events, insisting on posing people or worse, snapping natural pictures of people unawares with their mouths open shoving a too-big piece of cake into their pie cake-holes. We are a much-reviled breed of enthusiasts* With the advent of digital cameras and cell-phone pics, we are much harder to spot. In fact, we may now outnumber those irritating people who hate getting their picture taken. Take that you privacy freaks.

Old Photos005
You can see the joy of parenting just oozing from my father’s face. It’s as if he is warning of what happens when you gamble with your dna.

What is the source of our obsession? Why do people like me seek to pin the memory to paper? To alter and revise our lives to show only the best? Perhaps, because joy is fleeting, it needs to be recorded so that we know it is possible. That, if after enough time passes, we can believe that we were happy. We are the Kodachrome revisionists—there is no negative we cannot develop into a positive.

Old Photos029
I am the chubby little chunk in red-n-white stripes. You can just see how thrilled I am about getting a baby brother. (No idea who the guy to the right is. Ignore his inclusion in this photo. I am.)

I have boxes of pictures that never see the light of day—and probably close to a million pictures stored on my computer of people and places that I have long forgotten except when I run across them. Much like an amateur archeologist discovering a lost civilization, I am forced to sift and wonder who these people are and why they were significant enough to retain forever housed in my limitless archives?

Old Photos035
And this is the photo AFTER I have airbrushed the ink marks, random stains, and wrinkles out of the picture. It’s as good a testament of my childhood as any: This is as good as it gets, people!

Following my father’s death, I revisited our mangled childhood photos that, as children, we were apparently inspired to embellish like budding, drunk Picassos. Laden with scratches and ball-point ink pen marks, these images inspire a never-before-awakened fastidiousness in me, compelling immediate photo-shopping. (There had to be a reason I stayed up until 5:00 a.m. manically scanning and airbrushing the evidence of our crimes.)** As if I could improve on life by erasing anything that suggests it was anything but perfect. This definitely falls in the category of a bit barmy, but with as few childhood photos as my mother managed to retain despite the depredation of bored children with scissors and belatedly developed film that all came out pink, I feel it my calling to save as many of these silly moments for posterity.

Old Photos033 - Edited
This is probably the frilliest I ever looked in my life. No wonder I have a lace aversion.

So I will share with you my imperfect life. The moments where I was less than beautiful and the bizarre revelations of the hidden-camera approach to self-awareness. And perhaps, in acknowledging my flaws and letting go of perfection, I can appreciate the imperfect memories that happen when I put the camera down.

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*Besides the term ‘Paparazzi’ there has to be a word connoting a group of photographers! ‘Flashers’ seems to already be taken, and while ‘Soul Snatchers’ has a nice ring to it—it might get shortened to ‘Snatcher’ I don’t think it will catch on.

**I think it’s called ‘plausible deniability’.

A Creep In the Nighttime

“How Girly Am I?” You Ask. Let’s find out!

The Horror, The Horror.
The Horror, The Horror.

I read a lot of science fiction, chock full of heroines who kick ass and take names…and then grind those names in the dust of a thousand incontinent camels. I was in the military*. I have managed to change a plugged up sink. So, you’d expect that I would be able to face down your basic household pest with some equanimity. You’d be wrong.

I’m doing laundry in the basement. It’s night. It’s dark. The room is full of ominous shadows. I’m wearing shorts and have bare feet. If I were a cute, eighteen-year-old co-ed there’d be someone lurking in a corner wearing a hockey mask intent on resolving some mommy issues with a chainsaw.** Instead, I am a middle-aged frump reaching for a pile of wet towels.

(Cue the horror music.)

I’m lifting a piece of laundry when suddenly a creepy mustache bolts from its hiding place and races like a deranged zipper past my toes.

EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekK!

(I hit the ‘K’ extra hard, about two octaves above middle C.)

House Centipede Meme

I chuck the laundry and bolt up the stairs. After my heart stops trying to choke me and drops back into my chest cavity, I gird myself (with long pants, socks and shoes—I wasn’t messing around) and tiptoe back down to the cave of the beast. I manage to finish throwing the laundry into the machine, glurg some detergent in and skedaddle back up the steps—leaping a bit in case one of those hideous creatures had laid a trap for me. Relieved to be alive, I celebrate with ice cream. Like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from Men In Black, I thought the danger was past.

A few loads of laundry go by and I start to relax.

I’m doing a load of black clothes and I reach down and grab a pair of pants and I’m just going to check the pockets when one of those creepy mother… [expletive deleted] …crawls out and drops into the wash. I don’t have much of a killer instinct. I’ve never hunted despite firing several types of fire arms*** But that sonuvabitch [expletive not deleted because DAMN!] was going down.

I quelled the squeamish notion that I was washing my clothes with a monster and that I’d be wearing dissolved bug bits for days and moved the dial to the ‘Extra Heavy’ setting. I wanted to be sure to drown that bastard but good.

I later asked my eleven-year-old to move the wet laundry to the dryer so I wouldn’t have to face touching the shredded corpse—thus answering the question, “Would I ever implicate my child in a murder in order to hide my crimes?”

The gripper - for all your laundry emergencies.
The CLAW! For all your laundry emergencies.

I now use the payload retrieval device left over from my surgery to grab each piece of laundry and give it a shake over the utility sink before I attempt to check for crayons. (I deserve a bloody medal for this act of bravery.) Laugh if you will, but I have no interest in become a ghoulish headline:

WOMAN FOUND DEAD IN BASEMENT, BUGS TO BLAME

Neighbors report they heard screams in the night and called police. Upon arrival, the officers found a woman (name withheld pending investigation), wearing full hockey gear and holding a meat mallet, lying in a pool of fabric softener. A can of industrial strength Raid was beside her.

A preliminary hunt for signs of a break-in turned up nothing as the victim was home alone and all the doors were locked.

“It was the oddest thing,” a source at the crime scene reports. “If I had to guess, I’d say they got her during the rinse cycle because that’s when she dropped the Downy.”

Evidence suggests giant house centipedes may be to blame. The crime scene investigators drew straws to see who would have to collect the multi-legged bodies recovered from the scene. The monster-sized insectivores were identified by a local expert. “It’s unusual to see so many of the creepy buggers in one place.” Said Bern “The Bugman” Bukowski, an entomologist attached to the County Sheriff’s office. “They are very territorial. But a swarm, while rare, would make sense if the nest felt threatened.”

A follow-up report revealed massive bruising, which was apparently self-inflicted, to be the cause of death.

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*My military service was not the AHOY kind or the HooRaaaaah gung ho kind but the Stand-in-Line-and-Pretend-to-Be-a-Tree kind. I do an excellent impersonation of a Baobob.

**Considering what happened next, I’d have preferred the saw-wielding maniac. Then maybe my brain would have done something productive.

***Firearm training included a grease gun—an odd weapon like a caulking gun with bullets. Slow as the firing mechanism was, I suspect throwing the ammo would have been faster and more accurate.

House Centipede death

Get Thee to a Shrubbery!

Alternate Title:

Beating Around the Bush*

Okay...you Google 'Giant Bush'!  I dare you.  I double dog dare you!
Okay…you Google ‘Giant Bush’!  See what you come up with.

I sat down this weekend to write. Or at least, I tried to. I reread chapters of my second novel making tiny, infinitesimal tweaks all the while recognizing that a major overhaul was needed. (Why the hell do I have heroes flashbacking what just happened instead of having them do it?) Once you see all the holes in your plot and need a chart to keep track of the characters, the task seems daunting. I am a huge fan of procrastination so instead of tackling my monster opus (three books and no end in sight), I decided to do some work on the garden.

“After all,” I reasoned, “I can always work on the book after dark. I can’t do yardwork after dusk or the vampire mosquitoes will get me.”**

In my glory as a new home owner, I purchased many gadgets unfamiliar to me. Going to the giant hardware stores is a lot like entering a medieval armory. There are lots of shiny metal, sharp-edged tools—in short, everything can be a weapon. Recently I snagged a pair of telescoping hedge clippers. (Scythes of Death.)

Because doing any work tends to be boring, when I go out to battle the crab grass dastardly foe, I like to pretend I am a knight entering a tourney—tilting at shrubbery at high noon. It is a harmless fantasy most of the time. I have yet to figure out an appropriately violent description for mowing the lawn though. It feels more like a Greek tragedy—entering the Minotaur’s Labyrinth never to return.

I wish my writing were nearly this tidy.   To see more hedgy perfection, go to http://www.homestratosphere.com/ for more.
I wish my writing were nearly this tidy.
To see more hedgy perfection, go to http://www.homestratosphere.com/.

This day, however, was epically appropriate. I was tackling three massive shrubs that were lush, sprawling, and took up way too much space in my small backyard. (Insert your own overblown metaphor here.) In short, they were in need of editing.

I’m hacking away at these monsters. Mercilessly chopping the unnecessary bottom half; stretching on tiptoes to lop off the heads. Then I finesse my way around the sides to trim the unnecessary foliage and attempt to bring the resultant blobs into some kind of shape. I was sweating and had two bags full of severed, oozing limbs by the time I was done. It looked like an evergreen massacre. It was an ugly job, but it had to be done. And all I could think was, “Why is it so hard to do this with my books?”

This brings up a post I read recently by reviled…I mean revered…author, Chuck Wendig who confronts wanna be writers with the awful truth about why their writing may be going nowhere in 25 Reasons You Won’t Finish That Story. Reading the bald-faced truth of it was painful.*** Especially getting to number 23 wherein he flatly points out: “Nobody wants to hear this, but maybe you’re just not a writer.” Claxon sirens go off. The noise a submarine makes before it dives rings in your brain. Red lights flash. This is the terrible, secret truth inside every single person who sits down with the pretension that they can, in fact, write. The problem with this doubt? It is self-fulfilling. You fear you don’t have what it takes to be a writer. So you don’t write. Yet you desperately want to be a writer. Angsty emotions are yo-yoing away: Will I? Could I? Should I? Stories are piling up in your brain like it’s rush hour traffic on a two-lane highway. And the only weapon you have in your arsenal is the quavering hope that refuses to die no matter how many times you read a particularly awful sentence that came out of your brain. For example:

“She could see the outraged questions forming on her mother’s beetled brow and cut her off before she could explode.”

You read what you’ve written and you want to pick your laptop up and hurl it into the nearest ravine and then fling yourself after it because, at least dying dramatically would feel artistic. But then your internal editor tells you this is trite and formulaic and to get back to the table and come up with a better ending. I’d like to say reading the reasons why my writing isn’t headed where I wanted or expected it to go makes facing the changes easier. It doesn’t. It is hard every single time I sit down. When I write something that makes me want to cry, and not in a good way, it is very discouraging. And yet…it is still better than the alternative.

As Lewis Carroll put it:

“If you did not write every day, the poisons would accumulate and you would begin to die, or act crazy or both — you must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.”

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnote:

*If you are expecting a sexual connotation, you are to be majorly disappointed.

**Face it, mosquitoes are vampires…let’s see Stephanie Meyers make a sparkling romance out of that!

***Almost as painful as reading my writing. But not quite.

Blue Willow and White Wash

Blue Willow Chicken
One of the few items I don’t actually have…a Blue Willow Chicken. Feel free to gift it to me as a house warming present. (Easier than catching and painting an actual chicken.)

I have been so busy unpacking my life, it is almost a metaphor.* You have dusty old boxes you have been carting around for years that sentimentality prevents you from throwing out, and yet, the emotional scars they hold keep you from opening them up. Then there are the boxes with carefully wrapped and painstakingly placed treasures. You lovingly tucked them in and worried about their safe arrival. Those were the first boxes you packed. They have color-coded labels and warnings to ‘Handle With Care’. You expected to take time with every one of you millions of items. However, by the time you reach the end of your tether/patience/time-to-move you are shoving possessions in willy-nilly and throwing stuff away just so you won’t have to pack one more damned thing. Case in point, my computer tower didn’t fit into the boxes I had left, so I taped the giant rip which formed when I crammed it into one anyway. I strongly suspect my lack of finesse may be why it refuses to turn on at the new house. It holds a grudge.

After struggling so long to find a place to live, it was almost a relief to move. Almost. I dragged a hundred boxes into a house with room enough  for maybe twenty and a few plants. I was careful to instruct the movers to put the furniture in first, otherwise we’d never have made it. As it turned out, the house wasn’t big enough for everything. There are two giant bookshelves and a piano sitting in the garage as proof. It is no doubt very odd for the neighbors when my son goes to practice. I plan on telling them he’s starting a garage band, if anyone asks.

One thing I really wanted to do when I finally got my home, was to unearth my china. It has been ten years since I saw it. I only got to use it once during my marriage. It was always kept ‘safe’ for a special occasion. After my husband died, it became a symbol of all the times we would never get to use them again. After the move, though, I was itching to get at the Blue Willow because I had the perfect place to store it—a built-in china cabinet tucked in my new home. Through the chaos of packing and recovering from surgery, I focused on uncrating my tea service and putting the cups and saucers in a perfect arrangement around the pot—like a herd of blue-speckled chicks around a fat hen. It became a symbol of hope. Or perhaps I should say ‘cymbal’ the way it crashed all around me those first few weeks.

My first act after the movers left was to carefully unbox my brand-new teapot and reach for the door to my shiny white cupboard…only to discover that the paint crew had managed to shellac the door closed. After I yanked and tugged on my glassed-in door to no avail, I allowed myself a massive hissy fit of frustration. I called the painter, who promised to come out and fix it. He never did. I ended up hiring someone else just to come out and sand down three doors that kept sticking too badly to tolerate.

The noise and dust storm that followed coated the walls and floors of the house which had just been painted. I gritted my teeth—not just because of the dust—and stalked to the paint store to repaint the sections exposed by the overzealous use of a circular sander. I knew the name of my paint and asked for “Snowfall White”. Or, I thought I knew my paint color. Because, as it turns out, there are many, many shades of white.** Specifically, there was more than one shade of Snowfall White. I didn’t realize this until after I had re-painted every damned surface into the wee hours of the morning.

I was cross-eyed with exhaustion when it dawned on me that the paint that had dried hadn’t turned into the color that was on the walls and trim in the living room. In fact, it was a hideous shade I would have called ‘autopsy white’ because it was actually a corpse grey. There was some moderate swearing—I may have cursed the Fickle Sherwin-Williams Gods who stole a name from another company. The next day, I trudged back to the store where I’d picked up the outrageously expensive can in the first place. I begged, I cried. I may have troweled it on a bit thick—I think the man gave me the replacement paint so I would leave. I tromped home and looked at the room decided which things absolutely had to be changed and which ones I could live with. (Who cares what color the inside closet door is anyway?) After applying some paint—a touch here, a dash there—I had a sense of foreboding. “Hmm, this seems really light.” I waited for a small area to dry only to discover it was in fact, a horse of a different color. Alternately hyperventilating and swearing, I ended up repainting the entire china cabinet the third shade of Snowfall White. What I think happened is, the original, benighted painters somehow mixed the paint wrong in the first place. I have no idea what color it is—probably something called You-Will-Never-Match-This-Again-In-A-Million-Years White. But I have decided I can live with the piebald walls…as long as I never look too closely and pretend any shadows are a trick of the light.

So that’s what I’ve been up to for the past few weeks. Struggling with unpacking boxes, some which haven’t been touched in  a decade.*** And when I am not over-emoting about the zillions of pictures I find, I am trying to white wash my world so that I have a blank canvas to work with. But an artist has to admit that sometime, the paint of a previous work is going to bleed through.

Blue Willow 1
What you can’t tell is that there is actual tea in the teapot. I was drinking a cuppa while writing this post. I ran upstairs to photograph the dishes in situ and just popped the pot back in to take the shot.

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnote:

* Except metaphors don’t usually make you sneeze this much.

**Even more than 50 shades of gray…and a lot more tasteful too.

*** It is like maneuvering an emotional mine field; every item revealed is a bomb waiting to go off. I’m crying over tchotchkes, dammit.

Domestic Crisis of Conscience

(This diatribe brought to you by my pile of mending)

Sewing Machine Footer
A Stitch In Time…Two Hours To Be Precise. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net/ foto76

When did clothing become disposable? I ask this because I have noticed an alarming fashion trend.  (No, I am not referring to Juicy Couture.) Instead, I am ranting talking about wardrobe malfunctions. I have purchased shoes that fell apart almost the same day my son wore them for the first time.  Admittedly, it was the poorly attached Velcro that came off rendering the shoe absolutely useless but, whatever happened to quality control?

This suit ought to last a lifetime...providing the child doesn't impale himself on his sword. Image liberated from Interview Magazine. http://www.interviewmagazine.com/fashion/chris-harveaux/
This suit ought to last a lifetime…providing the child doesn’t impale himself on his sword.
Image liberated from Interview Magazine. http://www.interviewmagazine.com/ fashion/chris-harveaux/

Do you remember clothing that was made to last? Back in the day, Garanimals and Oshkosh B’Gosh were the children’s clothing equivalent of body armor. To be fair, I only know this by repute; we weren’t rich enough to have designer brands.* The ads promised ‘sturdy fabric’ and ‘long-lasting construction’. You could be sure that the clothes would be handed down–even if someone didn’t want them to be. Sure, they might get scuffed if you flew over your handlebars heading downhill over sharp gravel. But even if you ended up going to the E.R., your clothes would probably survive. Those days are gone. I just spent hours of my life (which I will never get back, thank you very much) patching and reattaching my son’s front pockets to his lime green coat.  (Let me tell you, the sewing machine was very cranky about trying to maneuver around the puffy material and boxy pockets with darts.) My son shoves his hands in his pockets a lot, so he is at part to blame, but this fabric just seems to rip so easily as to be intentional.  Why else would a small tear nearly rip the pocket–and the fabric it is attached to–off the coat when it went through the wash? I have only one answer: because it is designed to.**

You know that little rip on the side? The one you should have fixed before sending it through the wash? Learn from me, people.
You know that little rip on the side? The one you should have fixed before sending it through the wash? Learn from me, people.

“Well,”  you say, “it’s bound to happen with something shoddily made in China.” But the problem is, it doesn’t actually seem to be poorly made.  It is made with a material that shouldn’t dare to be called fabric.  In my attempts to repair the jacket today, I tried to iron some fusible web to the inside to help support the sewing project. Instead, I melted portions of the jacket. Only slightly, but still, it made fusing the giant tears difficult.  I finally figure out that cutting away the tiny portion of the pocket that was still attached made maneuvering the torn area much easier. Only a measly two hours later, and I proudly hung the coat back up.

I am very glad that I took the effort to repair the coat.  It is warm and very bright and I know winter isn’t done with us. But the fact that I had to rescue the coat after only a few months of wear is disturbing. Last year I was doing a similar stop-gap fix on my son’s backpack–the entire bottom seam had ripped out.  At least it had the decency to wait until near the end of the school year.  My fix then only had to last a few weeks.  We shall see if this year’s coat lasts the season.  This is the second winter coat that has had major clothing malfunctions. It is a disturbing trend that sends a shiver down my spine. (Of course, that could be the spasms from being hunched over a sewing machine for so long…)

My takeaway from this experience is that, next time, I am buying quality. Either that, or I am going to become wealthy enough to just throw the coat out. But since that’s what the manufacturers want you to do, probably not even then!

Pocket done
Ta dah! I am so glad I didn’t have to use my Pocket Veto! (Come on, that was funny!)

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*This butt has never known the pleasure of a golden, Jordache zig zag.

**I have a serious bone to pick with the Nautica people and not just because they put the word “USA” on the sleeve and then dared to have the product made in China.

Long-Term Sleep Deprivation = Permanent Brain Damage, or….

House Plant Killer
My nurturing skills might could use some work.

(alternate title)

Why I should put the damned remote down before child services steps in.

I have a lot of bad habits.* The worst of which is, I suffer temporal dysmorphia—time passes strangely in my presence. I don’t know if this is a real condition but I know that, whenever my son finally goes to bed for the night, I’m deluded into thinking that the clock stops moving and I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. Suddenly, I think I have all the time in the world.

I will happily utilize my Personal Eternity Field™ to cruise the internet, chat with friends in other states, read or, worst of all, channel surf until I develop remote-control finger. (It still twitches in my sleep trying to find something better to dream about on another channel.) But the reckoning comes when I finally do look at a clock and reality strikes twelve…or possibly one, two or three o’clock in the morning. And I have to get up at 6:30a.m. to stumble through the day.

For years I have been guilty of this. I drag myself to work on little to no sleep, drowning in caffeinated beverages until my kidneys complain for all the overtime they are putting in. I tell myself, “I’m fine. I function well enough. I am a productive membrane of sociopathy…wait, what was I saying?” I would also claim that “It’s no big deal. I’m only hurting myself.” Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I drove home from work, changed into comfy workout clothes and set up my computer in a lovely, silent kitchen. It appeared as though grandma had taken Booger (aka the fruit of my womb) somewhere for a treat. So I relax and enjoy the peace of no child running around playing “I Am a Pizza” until my ears bleed. (YouTube it later at your peril.) As the time approached 5:30, I start to question a good thing, “Hmm, I wonder where mom has taken Das Kind off to?”** So I give her a call.

“Mom, where’s Alexei?” I ask.

“I dropped him at music, like usual. Why?” Grandma/Babysitter/Person-Who-is-Questioning-My-Parenting-Skills says.

“Shit. It’s Tuesday. Crap. Gotta go.” I say, running for my coat and the keys to my car.

I was supposed to pick him up at around 5:15. It’s around 5:45 when I finally get there. I am all apologies when I race into the building to get my son. I know we’ve interrupted another student’s lesson because I forgot, for a moment, that I had a child.***

“Don’t worry, this is what interns are for!” Miranda, the saint-like, long-suffering music therapist, says. Is it any wonder the woman’s name means ‘Worthy of Being Admired’?

On that subject, I suspect that somewhere, in a future Baby Name Book, mine will come to mean: Forgetful, Lost in Thought, Probably Shouldn’t Have Children…or Houseplants.

So, I have had a clear and unmistakable warning that the long-term consequences of my tempus hubris could be much more severe than a tendency to be half-asleep at my desk. If I am so tired I am checked out of life, I might actually miss out on being a parent. Parenting is an around-the-clock responsibility. It is not for the faint of heart, nor, apparently, the short of sleep. So, I have added a reminder notice to my phone so that, every evening, it tells me the title of my favorite not-for-children’s story book:

Go the F to Sleep
An Actual Book, I Actually Own and, Apparently, Have Learned Nothing From.

And if somehow the message doesn’t sink in, it might be time for drastic measures. I’ll have to get a tattoo somewhere quite visible that says:

Tempus Fugit: Time Waits for No Man…Or Woman Either…This Means You! Now Seriously, Get Some Sleep. Your Kidneys Will Thank You.

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*We’ll save that list for another blog, or ten.

**Das Kind—is German for somebody got down and dirty with a wurst and nine-months later produced a cocktail weenie. (Or Eine Kleine Frankfurterette, if it’s a girl.)

***Approximately ten years ago, to be exact. You’d think it would have sunk in by now.